Something that I know about Part one

As the title says.... I'm posting about something that I am familiar with... Post natal depression.

This is something that I experienced and went through which is very much part of my life still but it isn't all negative.. quite the contrary really. It has led me to my current area of study and had I not gone through this, I wouldn't have learned so much about myself or other people for that fact.


I guess I should start before my daughter was born ... sounds weird but read on and you'll see the relevance... I miscarried and then got pregnant immediately which created a pregnancy of frequent trips to the doctors, hospitals and trawling the internet for information regarding pregnancy and what could go wrong. I never fully expected that I would carry to term as I believed that this one would also result in a miscarriage too. Every time I felt movement, no movement, was tired, not tired enough ect ect, I was at the doctors. I was a nervous wreck and being non religious would often make pact's with god.

And then I got a call from home ...... My dad had fallen and was in a partial coma ... they didn't know if he would live or die. My parents live in Canada and I in Scotland ... my sisters wouldn't let me fly home due to the previous pregnancy. I talk about this as I believe through constant attempts at finding an answer to why I went through PND, that this is one theory (of which I have many ). I was on the phone few times a day looking for updates that no one could give me as we just had to wait and I had numerous phone calls with friends and family but finally he came through and was out of most danger but resulted in him being in hospital and having a brain injury.

Then, on the 21 August 2007, driving back from the local tesco.... I started having pains. I remember distinctly having a conversation with a friend and said " this labor stuff isn't that bad at all"... boy did I regret saying that! After a night of going into the bath, attempting to sleep, walk ect... I went into the hospital and was told "you aren't in labor but we will check you over but are busy so wait in the room until we call you".... when they did and I was examined, they saw that the baby was in distress and they decided to break my waters... I wasn't ready! too late, I was bundled in to a room with my husband and a nurse, who i remember changed the radio station from Radio 1 to some god awful station. It was at that point I had decided that I didn't like her and I'm sure that she was the one who said that I was making too much noise. So, my beautiful daughtewr was born later that day after a not so bad delivery.

I was taken upstairs to the room and was in complete awe of this beautiful little girl who didn't really make much noise at all. I was told to sleep when she slept but as a first time parent and being on cloud nine, I didn't want to take my eyes off of her. I tried breast feeding but it became difficult and when the nurses woke us up in the middle of the night to feed (another reason to explain things), I just couldn't get the hang of it. I was told point blank by a tobacco smelling nurse that if I didn't feed, we wouldn't get out of hospital. unfortunately, i couldn't do it and had to bottle feed my daughter. Now anyone in the West of Scotland would have had it drummed into them that breast is best and the guilt and shame of having to bottle feed my daughter, was very upsetting not to m mention when you dared to ask a nurse for a bottle and they were having a meeting ! It was like you had committed murder on the ward!

So as sleep deprivation set in and then being told that we had to stay another night because the wee one had jaundice, I think this is when I started crumbling.... The next day we were allowed to go home not having been told that the teets on the bottles in hospital are not sold anywhere or not even been given a bottle for when we got home, off we went for our new start at home with our beautiful new daughter.

When we got home, with no food, my husband went out and left me alone with this crying baby who was so hungry , to get food. I tried breast feeding but it didn't work possibly due to me being nervous and not having much milk, and possibly the little one being able to sense my fear. It was the longest few minutes of my life being alone with her. I didn't know what to do and as my mother was so far away and dealing with what was happening to my dad, I felt completely alone. I felt lonely, helpless and desperate. I just wanted MY mum... I felt like the child although I was 29 years of age! I felt ashamed and a failure and it got worse and worse before I hit rock bottom which was still to come....