Miscarriage

I felt it appropriate to address this because I know a lot of people who are going through this right now or who have. I think my number of miscarriages is 3 or 4. I should know the number but the mind has a wonderful way of blocking these thing out.

I remember the first one as though it was yesterday. I remember every single emotion and what was said, how I reacted and how my husband reacted. I know the "it was only 6 weeks, its just a bunch of cells" to that i say, feck right off. That may be someones way of coping but it isn't everyone's way of coping. Its not jut the little life that is growing inside of you, but the thoughts that you have about how things are going to be, what you have planned for the future ect ect.

I remember that we had just returned from a trip back home to Canada, where as usual the emotional good bye's were hard , I remember not feeling that great on the morning that we left.  We had gone to a diner that morning for breakfast with some good friends, I was so upset that I had even gone into the male washrooms and hadn't long taken some gravol to settle my nerves as I am not a keen flyer.... if we were meant to fly, we would have been given wings at birth...

So a week after we had come back, I had decided to do a test as we thought it was due to flying, being tired and emotional. The test came out positive.. I felt like a teenager about to get into trouble!!  but I was actually 26yrs old, in a long term relationship, and a home owner.  However, I wasn't married and I thought that my parents were going to be so disapointed in me, I never realized until that moment, just how old fashioned I really was! ha ha. I decided to go for a walk int he field and think things through adn decide what was goiing to happen.

I came back and spoke to my husband(who was my boyfriend at the time) and we had decided to keep things quiet as I think he was nervous about telling his parents as well. but deep down , we were both very excited.  later that day, I went to my cousins and told them, but I started spotting a few hours after that. So we went to the doctors and they said it may have just been implantation bleeding.  Later that night, and it was a Sunday, it was all ending but I had no prior knowledge of what happened (where as now I'm a bloody expert), I remember crying in the hall with my husband hugging and crying with me. like I said, you get used to the idea... so we went to the hospital and I was examined. I was so naive. The doctor who was examining me was so kind and because I was crying so much, I think he felt bad about telling me what was happening, because I remember asking him if he could save it. See what i mean about being naive?  So they gave us a room in the maternity ward (I didnt know this at the time), and the next morning I had to go have an internal scan to make sure that all of the "product" as they referred to it as, passed normally.

After this, I was told by the nurse that I could go back up the stairs but she said "ok, thats you, its all gone now"! I just burst in to tears. Whether or not I wanted this child or if I was a girl going in for an abortion, she should never have said this to anyone. Did she think that a person who wants a child or doesn't want a child, should feel any less upset?  Neither situations are easy and can be so very traumatic and no one should ever pass judgement.

After everything had happened, we were given statistics and leaflets, neither of which were helpful at that time. You could sense that the doctor who had been sent in to speak to us , wanted to get away as soon as possible and was quite uncomfortable about any questions that I had.  I actually started feeling sorry for her! Again, she is obviously medically trained to deal with this sort of thing and medically speaking, it wasn't much bigger than the head on a pin, but to us the idea was so much more.