As I write this blog, I can feel many different emotions and can remember so much from those days, I refer to as "black and lonely". I guess other people would use different types of words and feelings but those are the two which describe mine... I changed a lot and became such a different person who went from excited about my future , with so many plans and ideas, to someone who didn't want to get up in the morning, had elaborate schemes of leaving my husband and running away, asking to move in with my mother in law(which to all those who know me, realize I was was certifiably nuts to have such a thought), to going back home to live with my parents but knew that this wasn't an option due to the accident. I remember people who came to visit and meet my daughter and how i envied them when they left as they didn't have any sleepless nights ahead of them, had normal lives to resume with normal routines, no bottles to make up at 3am, just total and utter normality. I felt that this was going to be my life forever, I would never watch another movie, I would never go out with my husband for dinner again, I wouldn't be me. In fact, "Me" was slipping away and becoming unrecognizable to myself and others around me.
I could feel how opinions were changing, that people just didn't know what to say, they didn't know what to do , they wanted to help but they couldn't. It had to be me that needed to go through this "journey", one which would last a while but again as I said at the start, it was something that I have no regrets about ... Hindsight is a wonderful thing though, isn't it?
People who know me, know that I am quite proactive and although sarcastic, if I can change something, then I would do absolutely anything in order to do this. What I did was tell my my midwife right away that I wasn't feeling right, and thought that I could get this dealt with right away as having had depression in the past, I know how it can spiral. I have to note here that the classes you go to as a first time parent, do not prepare you for or inform you about the normality of PND. This is something that must change and instead of hammering the point of "breast is best" we need to inform and educate women and men about the issue as there is still a stigma attached to this as well as any type of depression.
So, I did tell her and her response was "its just the baby blues and you will be fine"..... BRICK WALL springs to mind here. Imagine telling someone within the health profession that something was wrong and they just dismissed you? My heart sank and I felt even more engulfed by that black hole that I was in. How could she look at someone who cried every time she came, and dismiss them like that? To this day, the anger I feel is quite powerful.
The turning point came when I went to my new doctors , and I was assigned a male health visitor. I called him one afternoon, trying to tell him how I felt but possibly incoherent, and he was up at the house within 2 hours. he assigned me to 1 PND group, 1 confidence building course , 1 baby massage group, and 1 mum and baby group. He was amazing. he listened without interruption, had obviously had training in PND, was on hand whenever I needed to talk, and most importantly, he believed what i was going through.
Don't get me wrong, my problems were not magically fixed. However, I do believe that with his support and that of my family(especially two cousins in particular) and my amazing husband, it certainly started me on the road to where I am now. As I mentioned, there have been many positives through this. One of which is meeting some great people around this area that i am not from and having friendships with people that i probably wouldn't have had if I had not attended these groups. The friendships that I have are some of the strongest because they understand. I'm not saying that people who haven't gone through this,were not supportive as that would be a lie, its just easier calling someone who has gone through PND, and have them listen to you cry without needing to say anything. One friend in particular knew why I had crazy rituals , and knew that if I had cancelled with an excuse, that I was having a bad day but couldn't admit it. She accepted me, and for that I cant thank her enough.
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