As I was getting ready this morning for volunteering/newspaper interview/work, my daughter came in and said "Mummy, you look beautiful". She has a knack of saying some of the most wonderful things and they really do make a difference to your day. She tells me that she likes the colors that I wear and that when she is older, she wants to wear the same things, cause she wants to look just like me.(we will see)
When I think about the guilt and the early days, it just proves how much I actually didn't do wrong or the "damage" that I thought I had inflicted on her mentally was completely unfounded. Its times like these (que Foo Fighters song)lol, that I mustn't be so hard on myself and that with the support of my husband, family and friends we got through it and are raising a very thoughtful and loving little girl. She is not "damaged" at all, she is thriving and despite my fears of the PND affecting her, I have yet to see any evidence of this. Today with her was a learning experience for me and also a weight off of my shoulders. I also received a lovely email from one of the girls that i roomed in with when we had our babies. It was very touching to read and thank her for the kind words that she wrote , words which were so very true.
So off I went feeling pretty amazing, to meet with two very inspiring and motivating women , to be interviewed for a newspaper article that will be in the Evening Times here in Glasgow later this month. It was a piece on "Motivating Mum's" , which my friend Margaret Totten is running in Glasgow. It is for parents who are either working from home or starting up a business and find it difficult to attend networking events due to circumstances , it also has business mum forums,small business support,supportive info ect. My good friend Cheryl Ryder was also being interviewed for her business which is called "Dribble Delights" and she has created this business for dairy intolerant babies and toddlers , as she has experienced this with all 3 of her children and finds it difficult to find food which are dairy free. It was then my turn to talk about my experience of PND and how the blog has attracted over 1200 views. I was slightly nervous at the start but had it not been for the support and belief that these two ladies had in my ability to share , I probably wouldn't have written about this at all! I watched these two women tell their stories and was inspired by their determination, support,and spirit that they had and look forward to learning from them. There is a lunch on the 7th September at Esca, which will see Teresa Jackson of "Business Match" speaking about how she got into business and we will be given the opportunity to network with other small businesses. The beauty of it is that I will be able to bring my daughter along as it is accepted! Imagine being able to network and have your child there too? This is part of what motivating mums is all about, the opportunity to be supported as a parent but not have to worry about not having childcare.
So off I go to finish an essay...if I get it finished tonight, this will have been a day well spent!
My family
Monday 29 August 2011
Sunday 28 August 2011
Something uselful?
I was in the gym this morning an I did a yoga class for the first time in years. It wasn't at all like I had remembered it to be and I was very happy that I had attended on advice of my friend who came with me.
I often write about the benefits that I have received through exercise especially when going through PND and I really wish that I had found yoga around that time due to it really helping both body and mind. I actually broke out in a sweat and it helped me as I was sore from last Friday's personal training session. I liked the low lights, the calming music,the attention to concentrate on the moves and the breathing instead of what I still needed to do do today and the rest of the week. For someone like myself who has a mind which is constantly racing, this was like finding gold.
The biggest surprise was to come at the end of the session when we started stretching our backs ...OMG, it was such a release of tension and I was in tears. I know this sounds really weird but I really felt a lot of emotion which has built up over the week, release itself from my body. I was speaking to the instructor afterwards and she told me that it was completely normal and to just "go with it". I felt so relaxed after it and I could have fallen asleep very soon after. It was such a strange sensation as the start and middle to bear end, i was sweating but at the end I was relaxed and crying! LOL
I would defo recommend as something to try , whether or not stress/anxiety/PND/PPD are a part of your life or not. I cant wait until the next class!
I often write about the benefits that I have received through exercise especially when going through PND and I really wish that I had found yoga around that time due to it really helping both body and mind. I actually broke out in a sweat and it helped me as I was sore from last Friday's personal training session. I liked the low lights, the calming music,the attention to concentrate on the moves and the breathing instead of what I still needed to do do today and the rest of the week. For someone like myself who has a mind which is constantly racing, this was like finding gold.
The biggest surprise was to come at the end of the session when we started stretching our backs ...OMG, it was such a release of tension and I was in tears. I know this sounds really weird but I really felt a lot of emotion which has built up over the week, release itself from my body. I was speaking to the instructor afterwards and she told me that it was completely normal and to just "go with it". I felt so relaxed after it and I could have fallen asleep very soon after. It was such a strange sensation as the start and middle to bear end, i was sweating but at the end I was relaxed and crying! LOL
I would defo recommend as something to try , whether or not stress/anxiety/PND/PPD are a part of your life or not. I cant wait until the next class!
Saturday 27 August 2011
Coming to an end...
As a lot of you know, after my HNC counselling finished, I went on to do a module right after called "exploring fear and sadness" with the Open University as part of the Counselling Diploma. I have two essays to do before the course comes to an end and I have to say for the first time that I am relieved.
I have studied with the Open University before and I have nothing but good things to say about them as they are probably the most supportive academic institutions (along with Motherwell College), that I have attended. The reason why I am glad to see it end is because I really should have taken a break before embarking on something new. I didn't give it my all , but I am pleased with the marks that I have received so far, and cant complain.. especially for a level two course.
I think that I am finally coming to the realization that I have to look after myself a bit more and realize that what I have done this far is up there on the same level as super woman! sometimes you need to let yourself have a break and that its a good time to recharge the batteries. I also have this blog that I want to maintain as well as the meet up group and business venture to develop.
I am also planning for next year, which may mean either a new addition(if things work out), or the mental health nursing degree if they accept me....
Just a few thoughts to put down in writing for a Saturday evening :)
I have studied with the Open University before and I have nothing but good things to say about them as they are probably the most supportive academic institutions (along with Motherwell College), that I have attended. The reason why I am glad to see it end is because I really should have taken a break before embarking on something new. I didn't give it my all , but I am pleased with the marks that I have received so far, and cant complain.. especially for a level two course.
I think that I am finally coming to the realization that I have to look after myself a bit more and realize that what I have done this far is up there on the same level as super woman! sometimes you need to let yourself have a break and that its a good time to recharge the batteries. I also have this blog that I want to maintain as well as the meet up group and business venture to develop.
I am also planning for next year, which may mean either a new addition(if things work out), or the mental health nursing degree if they accept me....
Just a few thoughts to put down in writing for a Saturday evening :)
Exciting new Venture
I have mentioned in the title of the blog that I will also be discussing other things which I do apart from writing about PND, and this is one of those.
I have been doing a lot of behind the scenes work with two very amazing mothers who have their own businesses and I am very excited to say that I will be working with Margaret Totten of "motivating mums" and "social climbers" who came up with a wonderful and much needed business idea geared towards new mothers,expectant mothers, working mothers,stay at home mothers and... welll... MOTHERS!
We will be a "green"company who provide cleaning services using green cleaning products for all you mothers out there. We will be providing different services such as food shopping, laundry,ironing, making sure that the fridge is stocked , providing flowers and chocolates/muffins. Thinking of the needs of a mother and also providing support in ways that a new mum might require. Think of it as having your own personal assistant/concierge! We know that being parent both mentally and physically at times and we want to help lighten that load if we can.
We aim to also provide vouchers, as a gift idea .. for mums who are just getting out of hospital and the housework is the last thing on their mind! The vouchers can also just be bought for someone who just wants a break from it all.
Watch this space for more information!
I have been doing a lot of behind the scenes work with two very amazing mothers who have their own businesses and I am very excited to say that I will be working with Margaret Totten of "motivating mums" and "social climbers" who came up with a wonderful and much needed business idea geared towards new mothers,expectant mothers, working mothers,stay at home mothers and... welll... MOTHERS!
We will be a "green"company who provide cleaning services using green cleaning products for all you mothers out there. We will be providing different services such as food shopping, laundry,ironing, making sure that the fridge is stocked , providing flowers and chocolates/muffins. Thinking of the needs of a mother and also providing support in ways that a new mum might require. Think of it as having your own personal assistant/concierge! We know that being parent both mentally and physically at times and we want to help lighten that load if we can.
We aim to also provide vouchers, as a gift idea .. for mums who are just getting out of hospital and the housework is the last thing on their mind! The vouchers can also just be bought for someone who just wants a break from it all.
Watch this space for more information!
Reminder of meet up
Hi
Just wanted to remind everyone that this Tuesday 30th August at 11:00am is the meet up at "Beanscene" on Woodlands Road in Glasgow. The details are also on www.meetup.com and in order to know that its us on the day, I will put a baby bottle on the table :)
Any questions, please email me on angelinebrunel@hotmail
Just wanted to remind everyone that this Tuesday 30th August at 11:00am is the meet up at "Beanscene" on Woodlands Road in Glasgow. The details are also on www.meetup.com and in order to know that its us on the day, I will put a baby bottle on the table :)
Any questions, please email me on angelinebrunel@hotmail
Friday 26 August 2011
Confused
I was reading a lot of blogs and a lot of information which surrounded the topic of "how to prevent PND/PPD" which concerned and confused me.
If PND/PPD is a result of a traumatic birth ,incident or hormone imbalance, ect... how on earth can you prevent those from happening? Is it not better to promote information and stop the stigmas associated with it? I may have taken what I read , too literally but imagine how misleading it can be for people who have experienced this before and thought that they could have prevented it the first time round and therefore start a circle of guilt once again? is this information not slightly dangerous for those who read it? One site even went as far as to say that we are victims of PND/PPD. Eh, no we aren't, we are SURVIVOR'S! We should feel empowered that we have gone through such a journey and came out as strong women/men! we are not victims at all and I certainly take offense at having another label slapped down on me.
This site also says "enlist in help from someone who can stand to be around for hours" hmmm, so im a problem and my possible PND/PPD is a problem for someone to deal with and take care of? Ha! biggest load of nonsense! Also there was a suggestion of "get a massage once a day" some people don't have that luxury or the money to do it.
I know that people are only trying to help but some of the information which I have been reading, has underlying tones where false promises have been made Yes , write about what can help when experiencing, but not about how to prevent it because how can you prevent something that you don't know what the cause is?
If PND/PPD is a result of a traumatic birth ,incident or hormone imbalance, ect... how on earth can you prevent those from happening? Is it not better to promote information and stop the stigmas associated with it? I may have taken what I read , too literally but imagine how misleading it can be for people who have experienced this before and thought that they could have prevented it the first time round and therefore start a circle of guilt once again? is this information not slightly dangerous for those who read it? One site even went as far as to say that we are victims of PND/PPD. Eh, no we aren't, we are SURVIVOR'S! We should feel empowered that we have gone through such a journey and came out as strong women/men! we are not victims at all and I certainly take offense at having another label slapped down on me.
This site also says "enlist in help from someone who can stand to be around for hours" hmmm, so im a problem and my possible PND/PPD is a problem for someone to deal with and take care of? Ha! biggest load of nonsense! Also there was a suggestion of "get a massage once a day" some people don't have that luxury or the money to do it.
I know that people are only trying to help but some of the information which I have been reading, has underlying tones where false promises have been made Yes , write about what can help when experiencing, but not about how to prevent it because how can you prevent something that you don't know what the cause is?
Thursday 25 August 2011
Insight
After reading my friends account of her own PND journey, I realised and admitted that there are still some lasting effects on my life now and I really do need and want to work on them.
As my friend said in hers.. the anxiety is something that doesn't really leave.. at least not in my case and will need to be a work in progress. I think with me its a case of proving a point to myself and other people and wanting to make sure that on the outside I appear to be completely happy and that life is going smoothly when really it isn't. But in reality there are still days when I struggle.. its usually the days when the rain is falling and there isn't much to do... or there is but the rain has put a damper on my idea finding! ha ha
I'm not saying that I am depressed as this is pretty far from the truth but I take on too much because I think it will get rid of the anxious feelings that are there on a daily basis and in a parenting context. For example , when you think "when they start walking/talking/ect ect ect" things will be easier and you start wishing for the next stage and the next stage but in reality you need to enjoy your children and your life and be in the moment. I noticed this very recently when thinking about my daughter actually going to school next year and just how quickly that it has gone! I wish that I could have enjoyed things more but I know it wasn't always my fault and that it is just the feelings from having PND.
But the good thing is that through reading other people's experiences, you realize and have so much more insight and feel less alone when you know that someone has had the exact same feelings! Its almost like a relief and you give yourself permission to feel OK about your own situation. It is OK to have down days, to have days where you don't want to leave the house , days where you doubt yourself,days where you walk out of the house with vomit on your top from your baby(this was the norm for me, lol) days where you shout at your child ,days when all you want to do is cry. and you know what? ITS OK!!!! No one is going to think of you as a bad parent or come and take your kids away, this is normality and I challenge anyone who says anything different.
We are "normal" people/parents who are finding our own way, sometimes right away and sometimes not but we will all get there in the end.I promise.
As my friend said in hers.. the anxiety is something that doesn't really leave.. at least not in my case and will need to be a work in progress. I think with me its a case of proving a point to myself and other people and wanting to make sure that on the outside I appear to be completely happy and that life is going smoothly when really it isn't. But in reality there are still days when I struggle.. its usually the days when the rain is falling and there isn't much to do... or there is but the rain has put a damper on my idea finding! ha ha
I'm not saying that I am depressed as this is pretty far from the truth but I take on too much because I think it will get rid of the anxious feelings that are there on a daily basis and in a parenting context. For example , when you think "when they start walking/talking/ect ect ect" things will be easier and you start wishing for the next stage and the next stage but in reality you need to enjoy your children and your life and be in the moment. I noticed this very recently when thinking about my daughter actually going to school next year and just how quickly that it has gone! I wish that I could have enjoyed things more but I know it wasn't always my fault and that it is just the feelings from having PND.
But the good thing is that through reading other people's experiences, you realize and have so much more insight and feel less alone when you know that someone has had the exact same feelings! Its almost like a relief and you give yourself permission to feel OK about your own situation. It is OK to have down days, to have days where you don't want to leave the house , days where you doubt yourself,days where you walk out of the house with vomit on your top from your baby(this was the norm for me, lol) days where you shout at your child ,days when all you want to do is cry. and you know what? ITS OK!!!! No one is going to think of you as a bad parent or come and take your kids away, this is normality and I challenge anyone who says anything different.
We are "normal" people/parents who are finding our own way, sometimes right away and sometimes not but we will all get there in the end.I promise.
Tuesday 23 August 2011
An idea started a long time ago..
It wasn't until I had read over my friends experience with PND that I remembered something that I had started a few years ago. Something that I should have done and something that I will do now that I am stronger.
I had started writing a letter to the maternity unit at the Southern General where I had my baby. I wanted them to know and to be aware at what I felt had been done wrong when I had stayed there 4 years ago yesterday. I wanted to make them feel as bad as they had me and I wanted revenge. They needed to know what they did.
But things have changed since then, the anger has subsided slightly and there is some resentment and bitterness still within me but it is getting better and better. So I have decided to write a letter of my experience and ask that they possibly use the blog in some way to think about how they can handle certain situations. They may look at it and thing "WTH" or it may just get through to at least one person.
I will think about what I want to write and how to introduce it and if I get a response, I will include it within the blog.
I had started writing a letter to the maternity unit at the Southern General where I had my baby. I wanted them to know and to be aware at what I felt had been done wrong when I had stayed there 4 years ago yesterday. I wanted to make them feel as bad as they had me and I wanted revenge. They needed to know what they did.
But things have changed since then, the anger has subsided slightly and there is some resentment and bitterness still within me but it is getting better and better. So I have decided to write a letter of my experience and ask that they possibly use the blog in some way to think about how they can handle certain situations. They may look at it and thing "WTH" or it may just get through to at least one person.
I will think about what I want to write and how to introduce it and if I get a response, I will include it within the blog.
A very brave account of PND
I was allowed permission by a very brave and absolutely amazing friend/mother , to post this. I want to thank her for sharing this as it took a lot for her to write this. To her I say, you are truly amazing and this will help so many people.xx
"I was so excited with my first pregnancy, terrified, but excited. I enjoyed being pregnant. I had no morning sickness, no cravings, nothing. My pregnancy was a breeze. The only 'out of the ordinary' thing was one time my urine was tested and my sugar levels were too high. I had a blood test done and it was perfectly normal.
I had to go to the hospital early one morning because i woke with abnormally large ankles and the swelling would not reduce. I was kept in and induced later that day. My 9lb6oz baby was born exactly 2 weeks late.
I had my perfect little family. They don't really prepare you for the 'when things go wrong' scenario. All during your pregnancy you are bombarded with images of the perfect family and the healthy baby and that is exactly how i expected it to be. the fact that it was very far from that threw me for a loop. There were little things to begin with, he wouldn't latch on - it took two days for him to do it - and they couldn't control his glucose levels, they were crazy up and down, his little heels were like bruised little pin cushions with all of the tests they did. On his second day i was delighted as he finally latched on. Later i was trying to get him down for the night but he kept screaming his little lungs out every time I lay him down but when i picked him up he was sound. Eventually the nurse took him to the nursery to let me sleep. I was feeling pretty useless and overly tired. I was woken the next day at 5am by the pediatrician telling me my son was now in SCBU with a chest infection. Over the next few days i witnessed him slowly getting better and his breathing easing until on the Wednesday morning he was back in a cot and i could hold him again.
I was elated but absolutely terrified. I was so scared of caring for him in case i did it all wrong but there was this other feeling. I'm not quite sure how to describe it, only that it was there, under and in everything. I could feel this anxiety in the pit of my stomach and tensing every muscle. There was no one thing i was anxious about, it was just everything.
I had been let out of the hospital and on the Wednesday evening my ex-partner and i made our way to the hospital to see our son. We had no phone call, no prior warning to what we would find when we got there. We walked into the SCBU, right past the nurses station and walked in to find our son back in an incubator with wires and tubes everywhere and a clear plastic dome over his head. I couldn't breathe. I wanted to rip it all off of him and run. What were they doing to him??? I ended up in this little room with nurses blah blahing in my ear about pneumonia and heart abnormalities. All i could think was that i couldn't breath and that i couldn't understand a word this woman was saying until she said one thing...do you want your son baptised? I freaked out! I was convinced she was telling me he was going to die. She went back to her blah. He was transferred to Dublin from Galway the next day.
I did what i always do when my brain can't cope, i went into auto-pilot. I listened, i watched, i sat, i stood, i read, i barely slept, i barely ate. The next few weeks were a blur of nurses and doctors, injections, blood taking and cleaning out his lungs (which is horrendous to witness). Words and numbers, ratios and percentages, blah blah blah...HYPERTROPHIC CARDIOMYOPATHY.
That's what he had, the words were longer than him. He seemed so small to contain something so large. Then the other bombshell, not only did he have that it was MY FAULT. His pediatric cardiologist (who was the only one in the rep. of Ireland at that time) told me it was 'your fault' his words. They will stay with me til the day i die. 'Your blood sugar was too high during your pregnancy and that most probably caused it. I think you were borderline diabetic' OMG! I caused it. My fault! MINE! My anxiety monster loved this, it was great at making me feel inadequate. I was so upset after this i was sobbing in his room. A nurse came in and asked me what was wrong. I told her that we were told he may be getting home on Wednesday but it had been delayed and all i really wanted was just to take my baby home. She went crazy at me, telling me i had a very sick little boy and how dare i take him home, he wasn't in the heart ward for no reason. I was devastated! The ward sister came in and i explained that i wasn't actually going to take him out but just that i wanted to be like every other new mum and be home with my new baby. I was told later the nurse was reprimanded for her behavior, but it all added to my feelings of not doing anything right.
I tried to ignore all those words going round in my head, i tried so hard not to listen. We were incredibly lucky. A short time after he was diagnosed the cardiologist tested him again. He told me that the walls of the left ventrical had thinned. It was only like 0.0000000005 of a whatever but the fact that it had thinned confirmed that his condition would slowly get better. After my son was allowed home i cried all of the time. Not in front of others just when i was alone. My son had to be fed every three hours and he had medicine to take for his heart. I was told to sleep when the baby did but how can you sleep when you have to wake every three hours? I couldn't rest, i couldn't relax enough to. I wouldn't give in, i wouldn't admit that i was a bad mum and couldn't cope. All the focus had to be on my son and he needed me to carry on and fix everything, cos after all, this was my fault. My PND was never formally diagnosed by a doctor. I don't know if that was down to the Irish Health system and their lack of awareness or my outstanding ablity to hide everything lol. I was very much alone with my first child, my ex worked all the hours, i was in another country, no family near, no friends. It was a different story with my second. We had moved, still in Ireland but a different place. My neighbors were wonderful and they would pop in for a chat and a cup of tea, it wasn't much but it was normality and a time where i could let someone else take charge (which she was all too keen to do!) It was lovely having that little bit of a break. My second child began my healing process. He showed me that they could be enjoyed and were not just there to fret over. I always felt relaxed with my youngest son, even now he relaxes me just by his presence. But on the same note, i have to fight my anxiousness with my eldest every single day. A remnant of a traumatic experience. So i don't think PND really leaves you, the effects you have are too deeply rooted to just stop. At the time i just thought it was my way of dealing with things, the striving to be great at everything, the tears, the anxiety and the autopilot. Hindsight can be a marvelous thing, it allows you to see things you once couldn't. I can't say do this to beat PND or do that, it is absolutely unique to every single person that suffers from it. The only thing i would say is this....you can fight it, you can take it on full force and win back your self" Anon
"I was so excited with my first pregnancy, terrified, but excited. I enjoyed being pregnant. I had no morning sickness, no cravings, nothing. My pregnancy was a breeze. The only 'out of the ordinary' thing was one time my urine was tested and my sugar levels were too high. I had a blood test done and it was perfectly normal.
I had to go to the hospital early one morning because i woke with abnormally large ankles and the swelling would not reduce. I was kept in and induced later that day. My 9lb6oz baby was born exactly 2 weeks late.
I had my perfect little family. They don't really prepare you for the 'when things go wrong' scenario. All during your pregnancy you are bombarded with images of the perfect family and the healthy baby and that is exactly how i expected it to be. the fact that it was very far from that threw me for a loop. There were little things to begin with, he wouldn't latch on - it took two days for him to do it - and they couldn't control his glucose levels, they were crazy up and down, his little heels were like bruised little pin cushions with all of the tests they did. On his second day i was delighted as he finally latched on. Later i was trying to get him down for the night but he kept screaming his little lungs out every time I lay him down but when i picked him up he was sound. Eventually the nurse took him to the nursery to let me sleep. I was feeling pretty useless and overly tired. I was woken the next day at 5am by the pediatrician telling me my son was now in SCBU with a chest infection. Over the next few days i witnessed him slowly getting better and his breathing easing until on the Wednesday morning he was back in a cot and i could hold him again.
I was elated but absolutely terrified. I was so scared of caring for him in case i did it all wrong but there was this other feeling. I'm not quite sure how to describe it, only that it was there, under and in everything. I could feel this anxiety in the pit of my stomach and tensing every muscle. There was no one thing i was anxious about, it was just everything.
I had been let out of the hospital and on the Wednesday evening my ex-partner and i made our way to the hospital to see our son. We had no phone call, no prior warning to what we would find when we got there. We walked into the SCBU, right past the nurses station and walked in to find our son back in an incubator with wires and tubes everywhere and a clear plastic dome over his head. I couldn't breathe. I wanted to rip it all off of him and run. What were they doing to him??? I ended up in this little room with nurses blah blahing in my ear about pneumonia and heart abnormalities. All i could think was that i couldn't breath and that i couldn't understand a word this woman was saying until she said one thing...do you want your son baptised? I freaked out! I was convinced she was telling me he was going to die. She went back to her blah. He was transferred to Dublin from Galway the next day.
I did what i always do when my brain can't cope, i went into auto-pilot. I listened, i watched, i sat, i stood, i read, i barely slept, i barely ate. The next few weeks were a blur of nurses and doctors, injections, blood taking and cleaning out his lungs (which is horrendous to witness). Words and numbers, ratios and percentages, blah blah blah...HYPERTROPHIC CARDIOMYOPATHY.
That's what he had, the words were longer than him. He seemed so small to contain something so large. Then the other bombshell, not only did he have that it was MY FAULT. His pediatric cardiologist (who was the only one in the rep. of Ireland at that time) told me it was 'your fault' his words. They will stay with me til the day i die. 'Your blood sugar was too high during your pregnancy and that most probably caused it. I think you were borderline diabetic' OMG! I caused it. My fault! MINE! My anxiety monster loved this, it was great at making me feel inadequate. I was so upset after this i was sobbing in his room. A nurse came in and asked me what was wrong. I told her that we were told he may be getting home on Wednesday but it had been delayed and all i really wanted was just to take my baby home. She went crazy at me, telling me i had a very sick little boy and how dare i take him home, he wasn't in the heart ward for no reason. I was devastated! The ward sister came in and i explained that i wasn't actually going to take him out but just that i wanted to be like every other new mum and be home with my new baby. I was told later the nurse was reprimanded for her behavior, but it all added to my feelings of not doing anything right.
I tried to ignore all those words going round in my head, i tried so hard not to listen. We were incredibly lucky. A short time after he was diagnosed the cardiologist tested him again. He told me that the walls of the left ventrical had thinned. It was only like 0.0000000005 of a whatever but the fact that it had thinned confirmed that his condition would slowly get better. After my son was allowed home i cried all of the time. Not in front of others just when i was alone. My son had to be fed every three hours and he had medicine to take for his heart. I was told to sleep when the baby did but how can you sleep when you have to wake every three hours? I couldn't rest, i couldn't relax enough to. I wouldn't give in, i wouldn't admit that i was a bad mum and couldn't cope. All the focus had to be on my son and he needed me to carry on and fix everything, cos after all, this was my fault. My PND was never formally diagnosed by a doctor. I don't know if that was down to the Irish Health system and their lack of awareness or my outstanding ablity to hide everything lol. I was very much alone with my first child, my ex worked all the hours, i was in another country, no family near, no friends. It was a different story with my second. We had moved, still in Ireland but a different place. My neighbors were wonderful and they would pop in for a chat and a cup of tea, it wasn't much but it was normality and a time where i could let someone else take charge (which she was all too keen to do!) It was lovely having that little bit of a break. My second child began my healing process. He showed me that they could be enjoyed and were not just there to fret over. I always felt relaxed with my youngest son, even now he relaxes me just by his presence. But on the same note, i have to fight my anxiousness with my eldest every single day. A remnant of a traumatic experience. So i don't think PND really leaves you, the effects you have are too deeply rooted to just stop. At the time i just thought it was my way of dealing with things, the striving to be great at everything, the tears, the anxiety and the autopilot. Hindsight can be a marvelous thing, it allows you to see things you once couldn't. I can't say do this to beat PND or do that, it is absolutely unique to every single person that suffers from it. The only thing i would say is this....you can fight it, you can take it on full force and win back your self" Anon
Monday 22 August 2011
shouting at the radio today listening to the Jeremy Vine Show
As the title says.... I couldn't believe what I was hearing! facing your baby outwards in a pram or sling is child cruelty? Has the world gone absolutely mad? I cant quite believe how this fits in to the neglect/physical or mental abuse category? I mean, call me stupid and if I have missed something, I apologize!
As if we as parents haven't got enough to feel guilty about, they are now taking it to an all time low by claiming that development in certain aspects are affected and that because "STUDIES" show this that and the next thing , it must be true! I mean, imagine just for a split second, that children actually develop in different ways and that they don't always tick the same boxes at the same time! Wow ,imagine indeed!!!
I thought all was lost until one of the guest speakers stood up on behalf of the "normal" people out there, who realize that neither way is right or wrong and that love is what we need to give our children and that we don't need yet another study/article to make us feel that how we are parenting is wrong. I think my blood was boiling and as I was driving down the M8 , making rude gestures, laughing at the absurdity and completely unjustified "opinions" that were flying around! I feel sorry for the cars who were passing me or in front as they either thought that I was having an "episode" or suffering from road rage... oh the confusion for those drivers!
I invite you to catch this on BBC I player if you haven't listened to it already but be warned... risk of high blood pressure awaits you!
As if we as parents haven't got enough to feel guilty about, they are now taking it to an all time low by claiming that development in certain aspects are affected and that because "STUDIES" show this that and the next thing , it must be true! I mean, imagine just for a split second, that children actually develop in different ways and that they don't always tick the same boxes at the same time! Wow ,imagine indeed!!!
I thought all was lost until one of the guest speakers stood up on behalf of the "normal" people out there, who realize that neither way is right or wrong and that love is what we need to give our children and that we don't need yet another study/article to make us feel that how we are parenting is wrong. I think my blood was boiling and as I was driving down the M8 , making rude gestures, laughing at the absurdity and completely unjustified "opinions" that were flying around! I feel sorry for the cars who were passing me or in front as they either thought that I was having an "episode" or suffering from road rage... oh the confusion for those drivers!
I invite you to catch this on BBC I player if you haven't listened to it already but be warned... risk of high blood pressure awaits you!
Mental Health Uk
I'm very excited that my blog will be featured on their website next weekend, I hope that anyone who is looking for any advice can browse their website, which is based in Edinburgh and was created by people providing support and information on all things mental health. It is "user run, user led and user friendly". It is well worth checking out!
Sunday 21 August 2011
Sunday mornings..
A time of refection for me I guess.. Going out for a walk with the dog soon and am trying to plan what to write about this week.. I try not to plan much at all as its just things that pop into my head about how I feel on reflection of that time and how I feel now and how far I have come.
I will be posting about things that helped me get through the tough times such as taking a walk, having a treatment, a swim,getting out amongst nature, writing ect. I will also be interviewing a few people about their experiences as they have so kindly said yes to helping me :) and I will have another husband's point of view as it affects our relationships in different ways. I was starting to worry that no one would attend the meet up but realize that these things take time and word needs to get out there.
I was speaking to my friend Cheryl Ryder yesterday about different ways to take this forward and she had suggested a news letter as well as another few ideas and she really knows what she is talking about as she has created a business for babies who require dairy free baby food , called "Dribble Delights". I also wanted to increase awareness and will be going to a networking event that my friend Margaret Totten is hosting via "Social Climbers" , in September supported by "Motivating Mums" in Glasgow. They are a great organization who support mothers and give advice for mums in business.
So there are a lot of things in the works just now, its an exciting time! So off I go for my morning walk ... and then its off to Blair Drummond Safari Park for the wee one's 4th birthday celebrations :) Have a great Sunday everyone!
I will be posting about things that helped me get through the tough times such as taking a walk, having a treatment, a swim,getting out amongst nature, writing ect. I will also be interviewing a few people about their experiences as they have so kindly said yes to helping me :) and I will have another husband's point of view as it affects our relationships in different ways. I was starting to worry that no one would attend the meet up but realize that these things take time and word needs to get out there.
I was speaking to my friend Cheryl Ryder yesterday about different ways to take this forward and she had suggested a news letter as well as another few ideas and she really knows what she is talking about as she has created a business for babies who require dairy free baby food , called "Dribble Delights". I also wanted to increase awareness and will be going to a networking event that my friend Margaret Totten is hosting via "Social Climbers" , in September supported by "Motivating Mums" in Glasgow. They are a great organization who support mothers and give advice for mums in business.
So there are a lot of things in the works just now, its an exciting time! So off I go for my morning walk ... and then its off to Blair Drummond Safari Park for the wee one's 4th birthday celebrations :) Have a great Sunday everyone!
Saturday 20 August 2011
Is postnatal depression hereditary?
This was a question that a friend had asked me the other day and I thought I may as well blog about it. The answer was that I didn't quite know... I know there are some friends who worry about this as their mothers went through it... I think certainly my mothers generation were always told to "get on with it" which they did and had to . It wasn't recognized back then or as many things, it was covered up quite well. They say that it can be chemical imbalances, life events, and emotional factors such as whether or not we can breast feed or if we have a supportive partner ect. In that sense as all of our circumstances are completely different, I would say no. However, depression on its own can apparently be hereditary ... I don't know where I sit with this as I do believe that we have life choices and that if we really want to change something, we will. But I did not choose to have PND , so I guess I think that there is truth in the hormonal imbalance theory. I also believe in the other factors as well though. I think the consistency of either a traumatic birth or event....as well as the treatment in hospitals from health professionals. Should we have more "home" births providing we have a trouble free pregnancy?
Does this change the way in which we cope with it and should cope with it? Does putting labels on things help or hinder us?Do we feel comfortable in knowing what we have and is it a sense of relief to refer to something with a label in order to cope with the feelings that we experience? Feel free to answer as it would be interesting to hear what other people have to say.
Personally, I can feel uncomfortable with a label, it really goes back to the stigma relating to any kind of depression . Its like I felt separate from the rest of the world knowing that people could refer to me as the mother who went through PND. Like I didn't love my child the same as any other mother. I think I found it particularly difficult when I was changing doctor surgeries and when trying to arrange an appointment with the receptionist, before my notes came over, I had to break down in tears before they would give me one even though the doctor had already agreed. I felt like the crazy lady who was given sympathy with a label. If that makes any sense? Again, like most of my posts, they are all over the place.. just like my life as a parent!LOL
Does this change the way in which we cope with it and should cope with it? Does putting labels on things help or hinder us?Do we feel comfortable in knowing what we have and is it a sense of relief to refer to something with a label in order to cope with the feelings that we experience? Feel free to answer as it would be interesting to hear what other people have to say.
Personally, I can feel uncomfortable with a label, it really goes back to the stigma relating to any kind of depression . Its like I felt separate from the rest of the world knowing that people could refer to me as the mother who went through PND. Like I didn't love my child the same as any other mother. I think I found it particularly difficult when I was changing doctor surgeries and when trying to arrange an appointment with the receptionist, before my notes came over, I had to break down in tears before they would give me one even though the doctor had already agreed. I felt like the crazy lady who was given sympathy with a label. If that makes any sense? Again, like most of my posts, they are all over the place.. just like my life as a parent!LOL
Friday 19 August 2011
Who I am
I should really tell all of you who read this a little bit about myself. I know that there are quite a few of you who do know me so just hang in there!
As you all know, I am a mum to a nearly 4 year old cheeky monkey who turns 4 on Monday, have a husband(poor thing), and a crazy dalmatian(she is nucking futs). I have just completed my part time HNC in counselling and am unsure of where to go from here. I was thinking of doing mental health nursing next year as my daughter goes to school (sniff sniff) and taking this year off. As I'm sure you can all see from my previous entries, I take far too much on. But what would I do if I didn't have anything else to do?! This worries me!!! Oh woe is me. Or , "oh neurotic me"
I also volunteer with the rape crisis center in Glasgow and would like to devote more time to this as well because its something that I feel strongly about, and the women in the center are inspiring and amazing to be around. I am very lucky that I was taken on as a volunteer and encourage many more women to do the same if you can make a commitment. I am also looking in to volunteering with a local Glasgow organization who provided me with counselling when I was experiencing PND, through fundraising ,admin or whatever they require assistance with.
I have also started a new job within the NHS, and am still in training. The job will be different to what I have been doing for the past few years and although I struggled in the first week with a change in routine, I am settling in and enjoying the team that I am with. I look forward to starting the job in a few weeks time although quite nervous. I could make a really inappropriate joke about this but in case anyone from work starts reading this I think I shall refrain....
I have had quite a lot of experience within the mental health field , both within educational settings , working in the additional support needs within a dept of a college here in Glasgow as well as working within the community and through study with the Open University and training courses such as child protection,self harm,ritual abuse, and many others.
I enjoy speaking to people and finding out what they do in life , and I also enjoy things such as the cinema, reading books (understatement, LOVE BOOKS), exercise, travel goiing up to the north of Scotland,walking ,ect ect.
That's a little bit about me, now I am off to do a bit of Brad Pitt spotting here in glasgow. Have a great day everyone!
As you all know, I am a mum to a nearly 4 year old cheeky monkey who turns 4 on Monday, have a husband(poor thing), and a crazy dalmatian(she is nucking futs). I have just completed my part time HNC in counselling and am unsure of where to go from here. I was thinking of doing mental health nursing next year as my daughter goes to school (sniff sniff) and taking this year off. As I'm sure you can all see from my previous entries, I take far too much on. But what would I do if I didn't have anything else to do?! This worries me!!! Oh woe is me. Or , "oh neurotic me"
I also volunteer with the rape crisis center in Glasgow and would like to devote more time to this as well because its something that I feel strongly about, and the women in the center are inspiring and amazing to be around. I am very lucky that I was taken on as a volunteer and encourage many more women to do the same if you can make a commitment. I am also looking in to volunteering with a local Glasgow organization who provided me with counselling when I was experiencing PND, through fundraising ,admin or whatever they require assistance with.
I have also started a new job within the NHS, and am still in training. The job will be different to what I have been doing for the past few years and although I struggled in the first week with a change in routine, I am settling in and enjoying the team that I am with. I look forward to starting the job in a few weeks time although quite nervous. I could make a really inappropriate joke about this but in case anyone from work starts reading this I think I shall refrain....
I have had quite a lot of experience within the mental health field , both within educational settings , working in the additional support needs within a dept of a college here in Glasgow as well as working within the community and through study with the Open University and training courses such as child protection,self harm,ritual abuse, and many others.
I enjoy speaking to people and finding out what they do in life , and I also enjoy things such as the cinema, reading books (understatement, LOVE BOOKS), exercise, travel goiing up to the north of Scotland,walking ,ect ect.
That's a little bit about me, now I am off to do a bit of Brad Pitt spotting here in glasgow. Have a great day everyone!
Thursday 18 August 2011
Scheduled meet up
Im getting very excited about this! I didn't realize that the link wasn't working and have fixed this and the details are there. If you don't want to register on the www.meetup.com , this is fine and I know a few of you were nervous and decided to mail me privately which is also fine.
I guess as I have said, that there are no expectations for anyone, I just want it to be a meet up of people who are experiencing/experienced PND and for the chance to talk about things if you choose to or it can just be something to do if you want to get out of the house and not talk about things.
I will ask though how people feel about the meet up times, and how you want the group to go? i thought about possibly getting some speakers a long at a later date... Just let me know if there is anything that you may want brought up .. again no expectations. It is totally informal and all kids are more than welcome.
I guess as I have said, that there are no expectations for anyone, I just want it to be a meet up of people who are experiencing/experienced PND and for the chance to talk about things if you choose to or it can just be something to do if you want to get out of the house and not talk about things.
I will ask though how people feel about the meet up times, and how you want the group to go? i thought about possibly getting some speakers a long at a later date... Just let me know if there is anything that you may want brought up .. again no expectations. It is totally informal and all kids are more than welcome.
Wednesday 17 August 2011
Meet up
Managed to make contact with the lovely Sarah from beanscene on Woodlands Road in Glasgow. The first meet up will be on Tuesday 30th august at 11:00am and I have arranged it through www.meetup.com.
Hope to see you all there and remember, there are no expectations, its a place to meet with like minded people and if you want to talk about things or just come along for some company, please feel free to do so. This is child friendly of course! http://www.meetup.com/Post-natal-Depression-group/
Hope to see you all there and remember, there are no expectations, its a place to meet with like minded people and if you want to talk about things or just come along for some company, please feel free to do so. This is child friendly of course! http://www.meetup.com/Post-natal-Depression-group/
Miscarriage
I felt it appropriate to address this because I know a lot of people who are going through this right now or who have. I think my number of miscarriages is 3 or 4. I should know the number but the mind has a wonderful way of blocking these thing out.
I remember the first one as though it was yesterday. I remember every single emotion and what was said, how I reacted and how my husband reacted. I know the "it was only 6 weeks, its just a bunch of cells" to that i say, feck right off. That may be someones way of coping but it isn't everyone's way of coping. Its not jut the little life that is growing inside of you, but the thoughts that you have about how things are going to be, what you have planned for the future ect ect.
I remember that we had just returned from a trip back home to Canada, where as usual the emotional good bye's were hard , I remember not feeling that great on the morning that we left. We had gone to a diner that morning for breakfast with some good friends, I was so upset that I had even gone into the male washrooms and hadn't long taken some gravol to settle my nerves as I am not a keen flyer.... if we were meant to fly, we would have been given wings at birth...
So a week after we had come back, I had decided to do a test as we thought it was due to flying, being tired and emotional. The test came out positive.. I felt like a teenager about to get into trouble!! but I was actually 26yrs old, in a long term relationship, and a home owner. However, I wasn't married and I thought that my parents were going to be so disapointed in me, I never realized until that moment, just how old fashioned I really was! ha ha. I decided to go for a walk int he field and think things through adn decide what was goiing to happen.
I came back and spoke to my husband(who was my boyfriend at the time) and we had decided to keep things quiet as I think he was nervous about telling his parents as well. but deep down , we were both very excited. later that day, I went to my cousins and told them, but I started spotting a few hours after that. So we went to the doctors and they said it may have just been implantation bleeding. Later that night, and it was a Sunday, it was all ending but I had no prior knowledge of what happened (where as now I'm a bloody expert), I remember crying in the hall with my husband hugging and crying with me. like I said, you get used to the idea... so we went to the hospital and I was examined. I was so naive. The doctor who was examining me was so kind and because I was crying so much, I think he felt bad about telling me what was happening, because I remember asking him if he could save it. See what i mean about being naive? So they gave us a room in the maternity ward (I didnt know this at the time), and the next morning I had to go have an internal scan to make sure that all of the "product" as they referred to it as, passed normally.
After this, I was told by the nurse that I could go back up the stairs but she said "ok, thats you, its all gone now"! I just burst in to tears. Whether or not I wanted this child or if I was a girl going in for an abortion, she should never have said this to anyone. Did she think that a person who wants a child or doesn't want a child, should feel any less upset? Neither situations are easy and can be so very traumatic and no one should ever pass judgement.
After everything had happened, we were given statistics and leaflets, neither of which were helpful at that time. You could sense that the doctor who had been sent in to speak to us , wanted to get away as soon as possible and was quite uncomfortable about any questions that I had. I actually started feeling sorry for her! Again, she is obviously medically trained to deal with this sort of thing and medically speaking, it wasn't much bigger than the head on a pin, but to us the idea was so much more.
I remember the first one as though it was yesterday. I remember every single emotion and what was said, how I reacted and how my husband reacted. I know the "it was only 6 weeks, its just a bunch of cells" to that i say, feck right off. That may be someones way of coping but it isn't everyone's way of coping. Its not jut the little life that is growing inside of you, but the thoughts that you have about how things are going to be, what you have planned for the future ect ect.
I remember that we had just returned from a trip back home to Canada, where as usual the emotional good bye's were hard , I remember not feeling that great on the morning that we left. We had gone to a diner that morning for breakfast with some good friends, I was so upset that I had even gone into the male washrooms and hadn't long taken some gravol to settle my nerves as I am not a keen flyer.... if we were meant to fly, we would have been given wings at birth...
So a week after we had come back, I had decided to do a test as we thought it was due to flying, being tired and emotional. The test came out positive.. I felt like a teenager about to get into trouble!! but I was actually 26yrs old, in a long term relationship, and a home owner. However, I wasn't married and I thought that my parents were going to be so disapointed in me, I never realized until that moment, just how old fashioned I really was! ha ha. I decided to go for a walk int he field and think things through adn decide what was goiing to happen.
I came back and spoke to my husband(who was my boyfriend at the time) and we had decided to keep things quiet as I think he was nervous about telling his parents as well. but deep down , we were both very excited. later that day, I went to my cousins and told them, but I started spotting a few hours after that. So we went to the doctors and they said it may have just been implantation bleeding. Later that night, and it was a Sunday, it was all ending but I had no prior knowledge of what happened (where as now I'm a bloody expert), I remember crying in the hall with my husband hugging and crying with me. like I said, you get used to the idea... so we went to the hospital and I was examined. I was so naive. The doctor who was examining me was so kind and because I was crying so much, I think he felt bad about telling me what was happening, because I remember asking him if he could save it. See what i mean about being naive? So they gave us a room in the maternity ward (I didnt know this at the time), and the next morning I had to go have an internal scan to make sure that all of the "product" as they referred to it as, passed normally.
After this, I was told by the nurse that I could go back up the stairs but she said "ok, thats you, its all gone now"! I just burst in to tears. Whether or not I wanted this child or if I was a girl going in for an abortion, she should never have said this to anyone. Did she think that a person who wants a child or doesn't want a child, should feel any less upset? Neither situations are easy and can be so very traumatic and no one should ever pass judgement.
After everything had happened, we were given statistics and leaflets, neither of which were helpful at that time. You could sense that the doctor who had been sent in to speak to us , wanted to get away as soon as possible and was quite uncomfortable about any questions that I had. I actually started feeling sorry for her! Again, she is obviously medically trained to deal with this sort of thing and medically speaking, it wasn't much bigger than the head on a pin, but to us the idea was so much more.
The Edinburgh PND Scale
I was think about this last night , one of the ways in which health professionals try to find out if we are suffering from PND or are borderline PND and how easy it is to manipulate this in our favor should we not wish to disclose this information. I'm not saying that it isn't useful but I certainly know at least 5 people who knew what to say and which answers to pick and ended up falling under the "radar".
I know that these days it is difficult for health visitors, doctors, midwives ect, to spend time with us as a whole because of budget cuts or lack of staff but surely if the time was taken, our trust could be built up and we may feel more able to disclose what we feel we cant to our partners, and rest of family? Or maybe I am completely wrong. But I do remember having a conversation with my cousin who has two older children (age 11 and 8), and she still run's into her health visitor from time to time and not only does the health visitor know their names, she also remembers their ages. I on the other hand can't remember the last time that I saw mine and I probably wouldn't recognize her even if I was in the surgery, (my original health visitor left and is working elsewhere).
I don't want to give health visitors a bad name because not all of them are the same, nor is their work load and circumstances. I do know that if my original health visitor was still around, he would have called from time to time especially having known what I went through at the start and this just proves the point. This leads me to another point, are they over worked and just don't have the energy to deal with PND, or have they not got enough training?
I would really be interested in hearing about other people's experiences with their own health visitors and also , did you manipulate the scale? I know that there are people from other countries reading this and would be interested to know what you have in the way of "diagnosis" of PND/PPD? Are they as easy to manipulate? Feel free to comment on the page or email me.
Is there anything that could be put into place in order for you to tell a health professional? Answer would be really helpful as it could assist in breaking down the stigma.
I was meeting with a very good friend today and we discussed the "criteria" for PND. Can it not just simply be increased anxiety, or depression does it have to meet symptoms A,B and C? Its such a different experience for people, and it needs to be widened in my opinion because its far too rigid.
This is an "all over" post today but I have an almost 4 year old running around me ! Apologies.
I know that these days it is difficult for health visitors, doctors, midwives ect, to spend time with us as a whole because of budget cuts or lack of staff but surely if the time was taken, our trust could be built up and we may feel more able to disclose what we feel we cant to our partners, and rest of family? Or maybe I am completely wrong. But I do remember having a conversation with my cousin who has two older children (age 11 and 8), and she still run's into her health visitor from time to time and not only does the health visitor know their names, she also remembers their ages. I on the other hand can't remember the last time that I saw mine and I probably wouldn't recognize her even if I was in the surgery, (my original health visitor left and is working elsewhere).
I don't want to give health visitors a bad name because not all of them are the same, nor is their work load and circumstances. I do know that if my original health visitor was still around, he would have called from time to time especially having known what I went through at the start and this just proves the point. This leads me to another point, are they over worked and just don't have the energy to deal with PND, or have they not got enough training?
I would really be interested in hearing about other people's experiences with their own health visitors and also , did you manipulate the scale? I know that there are people from other countries reading this and would be interested to know what you have in the way of "diagnosis" of PND/PPD? Are they as easy to manipulate? Feel free to comment on the page or email me.
Is there anything that could be put into place in order for you to tell a health professional? Answer would be really helpful as it could assist in breaking down the stigma.
I was meeting with a very good friend today and we discussed the "criteria" for PND. Can it not just simply be increased anxiety, or depression does it have to meet symptoms A,B and C? Its such a different experience for people, and it needs to be widened in my opinion because its far too rigid.
This is an "all over" post today but I have an almost 4 year old running around me ! Apologies.
Tuesday 16 August 2011
Thank you
I have received many emails from people thanking me for doing this blog , and that I have made a difference in writing this and that I am strong for sharing.
To them,I say thank you , but you are all as strong as me for going through this. I very much appreciate the stories that I have been given the opportunities to read from each and every one of you. Thank you for trusting me and for all the kind words, you are all amazing and just because I chose to write about this and tell people, it doesn't make me any better or any stronger.
As requested, I will continue to write , until I have nothing to write about! This may mean branching off into different directions, but this is how I like to deal with things that have happened. It makes me thing, and is very therapeutic. I think for those who haven't told anyone about what they are going through or have gone through, it is definitively a way to get it out. You don't have to show anyone but the benefits of writing are so very much worth it.
I have been thinking about what I want to do next with the blog.. as mentioned yesterday, I want to arrange a support group which will potentially meet once a week. I have emailed some cafes to see if they would allow us a few hours a day to reserve a few tables and I hope to hear back from them soon. I was hoping for the West End of Glasgow on woodlands road and also a group up at the fort, possibly Starbucks. I will create the even on www.meetup.com , that will be created once I hear back from the venues.
Anyhoo, I have an essay to write and the gym n the morning, so I will say good night just now.
To them,I say thank you , but you are all as strong as me for going through this. I very much appreciate the stories that I have been given the opportunities to read from each and every one of you. Thank you for trusting me and for all the kind words, you are all amazing and just because I chose to write about this and tell people, it doesn't make me any better or any stronger.
As requested, I will continue to write , until I have nothing to write about! This may mean branching off into different directions, but this is how I like to deal with things that have happened. It makes me thing, and is very therapeutic. I think for those who haven't told anyone about what they are going through or have gone through, it is definitively a way to get it out. You don't have to show anyone but the benefits of writing are so very much worth it.
I have been thinking about what I want to do next with the blog.. as mentioned yesterday, I want to arrange a support group which will potentially meet once a week. I have emailed some cafes to see if they would allow us a few hours a day to reserve a few tables and I hope to hear back from them soon. I was hoping for the West End of Glasgow on woodlands road and also a group up at the fort, possibly Starbucks. I will create the even on www.meetup.com , that will be created once I hear back from the venues.
Anyhoo, I have an essay to write and the gym n the morning, so I will say good night just now.
Monday 15 August 2011
Anger
Through writing the blog, I feel like I haven't gotten out the anger that I have felt through having PND. I know that I have said that it was a good thing at having gone through it and I still stand by that.
I think I feel so much anger at having missed out on the early days of parenthood. Again, I know why I feel angry and I know where it is coming from but I still feel it. I need to let go of it because it is so hard to be this angry all of the time. Anger that is turning to bitterness in a way. I know it isn't a "poor me" it is a valid and very justified anger. It is eating me up inside that I cant change what happened as much as I want to. I re live it from time to time, I wonder "what if" but then I remember the benefits of having experienced it PND because as I have stated before, I am strong and I have wonderful friends through this.
I think when I read about mothers who talk about breast feeding and how there really isn't room for discussion about why some women don't do it or just simply choose not to do it. It is the choice of the woman and no one should be made to feel guilty, its not a black and white situation. I wish that I could have done it but it just wasn't right for me at the time. I sat in my cousins front room, with my breasts out on show, trying hard to provide the best possible start for my baby because that is what they tell you breast feeding does. I tried real hard, but I couldn't. isn't it enough that I was trying harder to love her? Is that not what children need more? Why did I need to feel like a failure amongst my fellow women? Or was this the pressure that I had created myself? I think the answer to that is Yes, I did create it but I think the media created the other half.
I will leave that entry for another evening....
I think I feel so much anger at having missed out on the early days of parenthood. Again, I know why I feel angry and I know where it is coming from but I still feel it. I need to let go of it because it is so hard to be this angry all of the time. Anger that is turning to bitterness in a way. I know it isn't a "poor me" it is a valid and very justified anger. It is eating me up inside that I cant change what happened as much as I want to. I re live it from time to time, I wonder "what if" but then I remember the benefits of having experienced it PND because as I have stated before, I am strong and I have wonderful friends through this.
I think when I read about mothers who talk about breast feeding and how there really isn't room for discussion about why some women don't do it or just simply choose not to do it. It is the choice of the woman and no one should be made to feel guilty, its not a black and white situation. I wish that I could have done it but it just wasn't right for me at the time. I sat in my cousins front room, with my breasts out on show, trying hard to provide the best possible start for my baby because that is what they tell you breast feeding does. I tried real hard, but I couldn't. isn't it enough that I was trying harder to love her? Is that not what children need more? Why did I need to feel like a failure amongst my fellow women? Or was this the pressure that I had created myself? I think the answer to that is Yes, I did create it but I think the media created the other half.
I will leave that entry for another evening....
Quick note
There is something being developed around the possibility of a meet up. Just finalizing some details and will post very soon.
Update: I was thinking of trying to create a meet up for support, with women/men in the Glasgow adn surrounding areas. I thought a once a month meet would be doable and I especially thought it a good idea since the darker nights will be drawing in soon and I know how much of an effect this can have on an already low mood.
So please watch this space, I will be conversing with a friend who can also provide support and some good ideas.
If anyone wants to privately email me (I've had quite a few already, thank you), about any ideas or suggestions, please feel free.
Update: I was thinking of trying to create a meet up for support, with women/men in the Glasgow adn surrounding areas. I thought a once a month meet would be doable and I especially thought it a good idea since the darker nights will be drawing in soon and I know how much of an effect this can have on an already low mood.
So please watch this space, I will be conversing with a friend who can also provide support and some good ideas.
If anyone wants to privately email me (I've had quite a few already, thank you), about any ideas or suggestions, please feel free.
Sunday 14 August 2011
Learning Experience
This morning whilst on a walk with the dog (we walk a lot,lol) I was thinking about the blog and how it has taken over a lot of my thoughts and I had came to the realization that there are still parts of me that haven't properly been addressed. I have also came to the realization after reading other people's experiences and how they were feeling on their journey. There are some amazing women/men out there who have written blogs!
There are so many common feelings as I have said before , but these branch off into different directions and different areas of of our lives. I personally feel that the anxiety that I experience, affects a lot of my life as a whole. I have a lot of "not feeling good enough" or not being as patient a mother as maybe some of my friends. There, I said it and I admitted it all to all 500 of you who read this. I do believe that I have had this insecurity for most of my life , I know that it is something that I am making a conscious effort to work on but it has certainly gotten worse since PND.
However, this is by no means a "step back" it is a working on and going forward and I feel positive that I can change this and that I will change it. This is the difference. I could have just gone with the negative thoughts and accepted it but its not within my nature to do so.
I think some of the thoughts that I have just now are surrounding wanting another baby(if we can) and study. I have as you all know , been studying for 2 years plus other courses in the back round ... But this week I decided that i wanted to go in to mental health nursing. I believe that this is a way in which I can help people break down the stigma of PND and depression as a whole. The other reason is because I really feel that I enjoy learning about mental health as a whole. Its fascinating . I will continue trying to get my diploma in counselling but the course that I want to do next is very expensive.
So the problem is, the new course will be 3 years.. I'm anxious that if I start the course, I will not complete it and never be qualified and then stuck in a job that I may not enjoy. I also think that if we don't try for another baby, it will then be too late because i'm getting older and wonder if this is the reason for the miscarriages.
So these anxieties are causing me a great deal of stress at the moment. I thought what better way to get these anxieties out of my head, was to write them. I will continue to use this to write about my journey through PND and also about anxiety and stress. Its my own personal story with no expectations. I hope.... ; )
There are so many common feelings as I have said before , but these branch off into different directions and different areas of of our lives. I personally feel that the anxiety that I experience, affects a lot of my life as a whole. I have a lot of "not feeling good enough" or not being as patient a mother as maybe some of my friends. There, I said it and I admitted it all to all 500 of you who read this. I do believe that I have had this insecurity for most of my life , I know that it is something that I am making a conscious effort to work on but it has certainly gotten worse since PND.
However, this is by no means a "step back" it is a working on and going forward and I feel positive that I can change this and that I will change it. This is the difference. I could have just gone with the negative thoughts and accepted it but its not within my nature to do so.
I think some of the thoughts that I have just now are surrounding wanting another baby(if we can) and study. I have as you all know , been studying for 2 years plus other courses in the back round ... But this week I decided that i wanted to go in to mental health nursing. I believe that this is a way in which I can help people break down the stigma of PND and depression as a whole. The other reason is because I really feel that I enjoy learning about mental health as a whole. Its fascinating . I will continue trying to get my diploma in counselling but the course that I want to do next is very expensive.
So the problem is, the new course will be 3 years.. I'm anxious that if I start the course, I will not complete it and never be qualified and then stuck in a job that I may not enjoy. I also think that if we don't try for another baby, it will then be too late because i'm getting older and wonder if this is the reason for the miscarriages.
So these anxieties are causing me a great deal of stress at the moment. I thought what better way to get these anxieties out of my head, was to write them. I will continue to use this to write about my journey through PND and also about anxiety and stress. Its my own personal story with no expectations. I hope.... ; )
Saturday 13 August 2011
Important info
I was browsing through some blogs which other people had written about their own experiences and there seemed to be a bit of a theme for some who had written or commented.
The similarities are that they didn't feel that their doctor had time to deal with what they were going through or that they didn't seem to want to deal with it. A few others said that they didn't seem to "gel" with the counsellors. I think that it is important for people to know that if you are not receiving adequate help, there are complaints procedures in place. A doctor has a duty of care which is what we pay taxes for. It may also just be that the doctor has not had experience and doesn't completely know how to handle PND. At the end of the day, we all deserve to be supported by our health professionals. I think its easy to get caught up in doctor knows best and is the professional, but this is not always the case.
This also applies to counsellors. You wont always meet people in life that you will like, so why should it apply to this situation? If you don't feel comfortable with the person who you will be spending potentially 6 weeks or more with,, you have the right to voice your opinion. I just thought it would be a good idea to address this.
The similarities are that they didn't feel that their doctor had time to deal with what they were going through or that they didn't seem to want to deal with it. A few others said that they didn't seem to "gel" with the counsellors. I think that it is important for people to know that if you are not receiving adequate help, there are complaints procedures in place. A doctor has a duty of care which is what we pay taxes for. It may also just be that the doctor has not had experience and doesn't completely know how to handle PND. At the end of the day, we all deserve to be supported by our health professionals. I think its easy to get caught up in doctor knows best and is the professional, but this is not always the case.
This also applies to counsellors. You wont always meet people in life that you will like, so why should it apply to this situation? If you don't feel comfortable with the person who you will be spending potentially 6 weeks or more with,, you have the right to voice your opinion. I just thought it would be a good idea to address this.
Hospital Visits
I was walking the dog this afternoon and thinking about things to include in the blog about my experience and one thing that I can remember doing an awful lot is hospital and doctor visits.
It was almost as though I had a fear that something was wrong and I don't know if it was because I had an inability to cope with what was going on already. If she slept longer than normal, and had bruises, i would think that she would develop a childhood cancer, or if her bowel movements were runny, I would immediately think that she had IBS or something to that effect.
I would take her to the hospital to get checked out late at night because she was too pale, or was vomiting too much or not passing enough urine. By the time we would get to the hospital she would be fine and smiling at the nurses and I was worried that they would think I was nuts. I then would try to convince myself that "I would rather be thought of as a neurotic parent than have something awful happen to her" but in actual fact it was a defense mechanism used for not admitting what I knew deep down was just irrational fears.
In speaking to a lot of different mum's, I realize that I am not alone with this one....My health visitor was also very helpful in letting me know that I wasn't doing anything wrong but it was better to call him first for reassurance rather than going to A&E. In hindsight he was helping to diffuse how I was feeling and bringing me back to reality and I think that this was also one of the many things which helped me on the long list of anxieties that I had.
It was almost as though I had a fear that something was wrong and I don't know if it was because I had an inability to cope with what was going on already. If she slept longer than normal, and had bruises, i would think that she would develop a childhood cancer, or if her bowel movements were runny, I would immediately think that she had IBS or something to that effect.
I would take her to the hospital to get checked out late at night because she was too pale, or was vomiting too much or not passing enough urine. By the time we would get to the hospital she would be fine and smiling at the nurses and I was worried that they would think I was nuts. I then would try to convince myself that "I would rather be thought of as a neurotic parent than have something awful happen to her" but in actual fact it was a defense mechanism used for not admitting what I knew deep down was just irrational fears.
In speaking to a lot of different mum's, I realize that I am not alone with this one....My health visitor was also very helpful in letting me know that I wasn't doing anything wrong but it was better to call him first for reassurance rather than going to A&E. In hindsight he was helping to diffuse how I was feeling and bringing me back to reality and I think that this was also one of the many things which helped me on the long list of anxieties that I had.
Something very important
As the title says really, there is something important that I would like to do. In the area that I live in there was a group that I attended which put me in touch with other women and also helped in my journey. They were really very good in boosting morale ect and I cant thank them enough
The only thing that I have to say about it is that it was run by two nurses who hadn't gone through PND. I realize that this is more of a personal thing and it goes against my training in counselling but I wanted to set up a group or network which is run by people whop have experienced PND , for those who are going through their journey. I want something that would have more access than the ones run by the NHS as 1 hour a week just isnt enough at times.
A group where you can go have a cup of tea, have guest speakers, motivational speakers, or just for people to come and talk. Almost like a drop in center. I know that this would take some doing but I think it is important to have something like this. it could be a place where there are a few volunteers and would have a at least 3 to 4 people on hand staff wise, where they could help and take some of the load off of new mums. A place where if the ironing is getting on top of you that it could be shared amongst the group, or a place where batch cooking could maybe be done to lessen those who are struggling with the day to day things that we all find difficult. Its a place of non judgement and acceptance.
I know that this is purely in the brain storming phase but I think there may be something in the pipeline.
The only thing that I have to say about it is that it was run by two nurses who hadn't gone through PND. I realize that this is more of a personal thing and it goes against my training in counselling but I wanted to set up a group or network which is run by people whop have experienced PND , for those who are going through their journey. I want something that would have more access than the ones run by the NHS as 1 hour a week just isnt enough at times.
A group where you can go have a cup of tea, have guest speakers, motivational speakers, or just for people to come and talk. Almost like a drop in center. I know that this would take some doing but I think it is important to have something like this. it could be a place where there are a few volunteers and would have a at least 3 to 4 people on hand staff wise, where they could help and take some of the load off of new mums. A place where if the ironing is getting on top of you that it could be shared amongst the group, or a place where batch cooking could maybe be done to lessen those who are struggling with the day to day things that we all find difficult. Its a place of non judgement and acceptance.
I know that this is purely in the brain storming phase but I think there may be something in the pipeline.
Friday 12 August 2011
Looking towards the future..
We had decided last year that we had wanted to have another baby. It took a long time for me to feel comfortable with that thought and it was amazing to feel like that again after thinking that I would never want to have another child. It was great to feel excited and to start a new chapter in our lives.
I was terrified of going through the same thing and not looking forward to the sleep deprivation , the middle of the night feeds and trying to look after 2 children but we thought it would be a great opportunity as our daughter would soon be starting school which would mean that I wouldn't have 2 children all the time but I would know what to expect second time around.
I think that I was also getting broody as most of my friends had new babies .... also, our daughter had started asking when she would get a brother or a sister to play with and wanted to know where she came from. So we decided after careful consideration, that we would try.
I became pregnant quite quickly and was over joyed. I started getting excited and started planning for the future. The same way that I had done with our first . Unfortunately it wasn't meant to be and I miscarried quite soon after. As I had been through two miscarriages before, it wasn't as hard as the first but it was still quite upsetting as you get used to the "idea" of how things were going to be. I had even told my daughter that she was going to be a big sister, this was a mistake. She is quite articulate and intelligent but it is heartbreaking when you have to explain that her brother or sister was just not going to be this time. She surprised me one day last month in primark, asking "you'll have another baby that wont die, wont you mummy"? This doesn't sadden me,but it upsets me that she knows about these things far too early though.
But it isn't all negative because I got to the point, and we as a couple got to the point that we wanted to try again despite what had happened before. If I got there, so can anyone else.
I was terrified of going through the same thing and not looking forward to the sleep deprivation , the middle of the night feeds and trying to look after 2 children but we thought it would be a great opportunity as our daughter would soon be starting school which would mean that I wouldn't have 2 children all the time but I would know what to expect second time around.
I think that I was also getting broody as most of my friends had new babies .... also, our daughter had started asking when she would get a brother or a sister to play with and wanted to know where she came from. So we decided after careful consideration, that we would try.
I became pregnant quite quickly and was over joyed. I started getting excited and started planning for the future. The same way that I had done with our first . Unfortunately it wasn't meant to be and I miscarried quite soon after. As I had been through two miscarriages before, it wasn't as hard as the first but it was still quite upsetting as you get used to the "idea" of how things were going to be. I had even told my daughter that she was going to be a big sister, this was a mistake. She is quite articulate and intelligent but it is heartbreaking when you have to explain that her brother or sister was just not going to be this time. She surprised me one day last month in primark, asking "you'll have another baby that wont die, wont you mummy"? This doesn't sadden me,but it upsets me that she knows about these things far too early though.
But it isn't all negative because I got to the point, and we as a couple got to the point that we wanted to try again despite what had happened before. If I got there, so can anyone else.
Thursday 11 August 2011
Interesting and useful find for Dad's
Hi
I came across this when I was trying to find more information about PND/PPD for Dad's. There really isn't that much info out there for men. I found this forum and will be trying to find some more in the next wee while. Its an interesting insight into how men feel , I found the forums particularly interesting.
http://postpartummen.com/forum/index.php?PHPSESSID=0d8ffc29a523a67e12c8a7ab3eff4eef&board=1.0
I came across this when I was trying to find more information about PND/PPD for Dad's. There really isn't that much info out there for men. I found this forum and will be trying to find some more in the next wee while. Its an interesting insight into how men feel , I found the forums particularly interesting.
http://postpartummen.com/forum/index.php?PHPSESSID=0d8ffc29a523a67e12c8a7ab3eff4eef&board=1.0
Why I am GLAD to have experienced PND
Seems like an unusual thing to say, doesn't it? I would never have chosen to have this debilitating illness or whatever you want to refer to it as. Who chooses to wake up every morning and feel like utter shit? Who chooses to feel like they cant bond with their baby? Who chooses to want to be violent(for some), short tempered, tearful everyday? No one would make that choice.
However, with all situations in life,we can learn from it. We can learn just how strong we are and how much we fought because lets face it, it was a constant struggle and fight to even get out of bed or the house every single day.It was a fight against "the norm". The norm being that we would burst with love for this little life that we created out of love, and that we would slip into motherhood as easy as slipping into a size 10 a few weeks after giving birth. And sleepless nights , we would be able to function normally, go to work the next day , have a meal on the table after doing a whole day's work
But that's in an ideal world and lets face it, we don't live in one and we aren't perfect. The faster we stop being so hard on ourselves, the better! I'm not saying that the above doesn't happen because it does. Just not to everyone and no mother should ever feel guilty about that.
I have realized as well that I can talk to people about it and know that I have nothing to be ashamed of. I feel that I can take on anything because I am strong. I know that my daughter is not going to hate me for who I was at the start and I will tell her how I was. In actual fact, I wrote her letters and I will give them to her when she is old enough to understand. She will know that I fought hard to love her. She will know that no matter what she does in life, failure is not a word that we will use.She is a beautiful, cheeky, stubborn,independent and amazing young girl. IF i was as bad a mother as I thought I was at the start, she wouldn't be who she is today. Which in my eyes, is absolutely perfect.
However, with all situations in life,we can learn from it. We can learn just how strong we are and how much we fought because lets face it, it was a constant struggle and fight to even get out of bed or the house every single day.It was a fight against "the norm". The norm being that we would burst with love for this little life that we created out of love, and that we would slip into motherhood as easy as slipping into a size 10 a few weeks after giving birth. And sleepless nights , we would be able to function normally, go to work the next day , have a meal on the table after doing a whole day's work
But that's in an ideal world and lets face it, we don't live in one and we aren't perfect. The faster we stop being so hard on ourselves, the better! I'm not saying that the above doesn't happen because it does. Just not to everyone and no mother should ever feel guilty about that.
I have realized as well that I can talk to people about it and know that I have nothing to be ashamed of. I feel that I can take on anything because I am strong. I know that my daughter is not going to hate me for who I was at the start and I will tell her how I was. In actual fact, I wrote her letters and I will give them to her when she is old enough to understand. She will know that I fought hard to love her. She will know that no matter what she does in life, failure is not a word that we will use.She is a beautiful, cheeky, stubborn,independent and amazing young girl. IF i was as bad a mother as I thought I was at the start, she wouldn't be who she is today. Which in my eyes, is absolutely perfect.
Anti depressants
I was wondering how I was going to approach this one. As I have said before, I am not medically trained and this is opinion based only. This bit of information is regarding my life and no one else's.
I was asked by my doctor when I went to see him, to try relaxation techniques which meant repeating a work over and over again for approximately 15 minutes every morning and 15 minutes later that day. I do believe in relaxation techniques , yoga ect but unfortunately my mind at that time was racing far too much. It was probably when I was prescribed anti depressants because I was visiting the surgery so much that he really didn't know what to do with me.
I started taking them and I do believe that they also had the placebo effect as well as working to get me on an even keel. However, my opinion is very different now and I think that has more to do with how I found my way through trial and error or different things , as well as counselling and studying counselling.
As I said, I believe in them to the extent that they stopped my mind racing so much but on the other hand, I believe them to be a sticky plaster which doesn't really deal with the problem at hand. I know that a lot of people will not agree with me but this is how I responded to them and the beliefs that I hold. I think once I was doing things like writing a journal, starting back exercise, making sure that I was getting out the house,that I really didn't need them anymore. I was also receiving counselling and was able to talk through and hear my thoughts out loud.
The thing about counselling is that there is someone there to listen, who takes a non judgmental approach, that is there completely for you and who wont self disclose and make the conversation about them and their experiences or give their opinions. You have an hour to say what you feel, to cry, to laugh, to just be. Its YOUR hour with no interruptions. It takes time adn you really uncover a lot about yourself. It is also very empowering at times.
I learned that I had a life time of consistent putting myself down and expecting far too much of myself and when I didn't achieve , I would beat myself up about it. I am still very much like that but I am aware now of WHY. It makes things easier to know the why because it is then that you can start to heal and change.
So yes, I have been off of anti depressants for a long time now, and I don't regret taking them but I had to personally confront not just the PND, but I got to a point where I was realizing how strong I had actually been to go through it and to come out the other end. It was a slow process but it was things that I did in order to get me to where I am just now. It was tiny steps one day at a time. Exercise is probably one of the best things that helped me, the endorphins lifted my black moods and it made me get out for some time on my own. I now want to get to a point where I can do these relaxation techniques, I need to get rid of the anxiety that I still have as a result of the PND and this is what I am working towards.
I was asked by my doctor when I went to see him, to try relaxation techniques which meant repeating a work over and over again for approximately 15 minutes every morning and 15 minutes later that day. I do believe in relaxation techniques , yoga ect but unfortunately my mind at that time was racing far too much. It was probably when I was prescribed anti depressants because I was visiting the surgery so much that he really didn't know what to do with me.
I started taking them and I do believe that they also had the placebo effect as well as working to get me on an even keel. However, my opinion is very different now and I think that has more to do with how I found my way through trial and error or different things , as well as counselling and studying counselling.
As I said, I believe in them to the extent that they stopped my mind racing so much but on the other hand, I believe them to be a sticky plaster which doesn't really deal with the problem at hand. I know that a lot of people will not agree with me but this is how I responded to them and the beliefs that I hold. I think once I was doing things like writing a journal, starting back exercise, making sure that I was getting out the house,that I really didn't need them anymore. I was also receiving counselling and was able to talk through and hear my thoughts out loud.
The thing about counselling is that there is someone there to listen, who takes a non judgmental approach, that is there completely for you and who wont self disclose and make the conversation about them and their experiences or give their opinions. You have an hour to say what you feel, to cry, to laugh, to just be. Its YOUR hour with no interruptions. It takes time adn you really uncover a lot about yourself. It is also very empowering at times.
I learned that I had a life time of consistent putting myself down and expecting far too much of myself and when I didn't achieve , I would beat myself up about it. I am still very much like that but I am aware now of WHY. It makes things easier to know the why because it is then that you can start to heal and change.
So yes, I have been off of anti depressants for a long time now, and I don't regret taking them but I had to personally confront not just the PND, but I got to a point where I was realizing how strong I had actually been to go through it and to come out the other end. It was a slow process but it was things that I did in order to get me to where I am just now. It was tiny steps one day at a time. Exercise is probably one of the best things that helped me, the endorphins lifted my black moods and it made me get out for some time on my own. I now want to get to a point where I can do these relaxation techniques, I need to get rid of the anxiety that I still have as a result of the PND and this is what I am working towards.
Wednesday 10 August 2011
The clouds are lifting....
I think I may have talked enough about the negative aspects of my PND journey... I was driving home from work tonight and I was trying to think about a time when I had noticed that things were getting better.
It may have been when I met someone who I could talk to and be honest about things with , that lived near by. She understood and would let me talk and I had no fear of telling her about the days when all I wanted to do was pick up my daughter and throw her half way across the room. I guess that until now and starting this blog, there were only a few people that I could be completely honest with. This person is also, along with Kate, one of my best friends. We were lucky that we could sit and talk about things throughout the day, have a plan in mind whether it be taking the kids to a book shop, coffee shop or shopping in general. It was someone to just "be" with. someone to help with the loneliness that many people feel. Again, she is an amazing woman, mother and friend, and is simply amazing more than she will ever know and I am so proud of her achievements. She knows who she is ; )
The other support that I had and still do to this day , is with a cousin and uncle who I cant thank enough. They would let me come over and just stay until it was time for my husband to come home from work. I had company and someone to talk to, I had something to look forward to the following day as I knew on the days that my friends were busy, that I didn't have to be on my own. This really helped to to break up the weekend because up until I met my friends or went to my cousins, the weeks were long and I only had the weekends to feel less anxious and as close to normal as possible. They didn't force me to talk about things, no questions were asked, and no expectations were set. They are just there and I know I can go when I need support.
The turn could have also happened when I had decided to go back to work when my daughter was 6months. I was working in the evenings, 5-9pm and I think that when I had a bit of time to be "normal" again, as I would class it, that things took a turn for the better. i met new people, stated a new job, and had other interests again. it was great. i also started talking to people about my PND and wasn't going to ignore the fact that I was experiencing this. I started to see how it was shaping me as a person. I could see that I was actually a lot stronger than I thought....I was also able to recognize this through counselling. Don't get me wrong, this change did not happen over night, Not at all but it was the start of something good.
It may have been when I met someone who I could talk to and be honest about things with , that lived near by. She understood and would let me talk and I had no fear of telling her about the days when all I wanted to do was pick up my daughter and throw her half way across the room. I guess that until now and starting this blog, there were only a few people that I could be completely honest with. This person is also, along with Kate, one of my best friends. We were lucky that we could sit and talk about things throughout the day, have a plan in mind whether it be taking the kids to a book shop, coffee shop or shopping in general. It was someone to just "be" with. someone to help with the loneliness that many people feel. Again, she is an amazing woman, mother and friend, and is simply amazing more than she will ever know and I am so proud of her achievements. She knows who she is ; )
The other support that I had and still do to this day , is with a cousin and uncle who I cant thank enough. They would let me come over and just stay until it was time for my husband to come home from work. I had company and someone to talk to, I had something to look forward to the following day as I knew on the days that my friends were busy, that I didn't have to be on my own. This really helped to to break up the weekend because up until I met my friends or went to my cousins, the weeks were long and I only had the weekends to feel less anxious and as close to normal as possible. They didn't force me to talk about things, no questions were asked, and no expectations were set. They are just there and I know I can go when I need support.
The turn could have also happened when I had decided to go back to work when my daughter was 6months. I was working in the evenings, 5-9pm and I think that when I had a bit of time to be "normal" again, as I would class it, that things took a turn for the better. i met new people, stated a new job, and had other interests again. it was great. i also started talking to people about my PND and wasn't going to ignore the fact that I was experiencing this. I started to see how it was shaping me as a person. I could see that I was actually a lot stronger than I thought....I was also able to recognize this through counselling. Don't get me wrong, this change did not happen over night, Not at all but it was the start of something good.
First encounter of the mean kind...lol
Im going to tell you about one experience I had, my first I should add... of the dreaded... wait for it... BABY GROUP!!! does that send as many shivers up your back as it does mine? If so, you are not alone! I know a few mothers who have the same reaction when mentioned.
Now, I dont want to give all of them bad press , because there are some good ones out there.. I just never found them.
My first experience of going to a baby group was when I was in the depths of PND. I wanted to go because it was recommended to me and as stated before, I try to be as proactive as possible. The morning that I went, it was raining ... now that's nothing new when you live in Scotland but i'm sure it probably did contribute to the way that I was feeling.
I was advised by my health visitor that there was one not too far from me and that it started at 10:30am. I tried getting up early in order to get out the door but as most new Mum's and Mum's in general really, that it can be difficult to get out the door before 12! I drove up and before getting out the car, i think I was having a minor panic attack as I just wasn't up to meeting new people or leaving the house unless it was to see family and on the odd occasion, friends especially if my husband wasn't with me.
The building itself was a concrete building with no windows .... so i walked in and waited. I saw that there was a gate but didn't know how to open it or who to speak to. I started to panic. A janitor opened the gate for me and said that I should go in and pay whatever the fee was. I went in and there were tonnes of kids running around and many mothers, and 1 father.
I scanned the room looking for eye contact with someone who would come and speak to me but no one did. I tried smiling at many of the adults, no one smiled back. i felt like a child in the playground who no one wanted to play with. I felt like shit. Sorry for the language but this is an honest account.
I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes, the fear in my body and the need to get out of there fast. The harder I tried not to cry, the faster the tears came. I put my head down and went to walk out but I was stopped by a woman with a baby who looked around a year old who i would later come to know as Rachael and a little boy with the cutest glasses that resembled the milky bar kid and his name was Nathaniel . Her name was kate and she is one of my best friends now. If she hadn't came to speak to me that day, I don't know how things would have turned out. She is one of the many supportive people that I have in my life and I am so thankful that I attended that baby group on that day.
P.S. I never set foot in that group again.
Now, I dont want to give all of them bad press , because there are some good ones out there.. I just never found them.
My first experience of going to a baby group was when I was in the depths of PND. I wanted to go because it was recommended to me and as stated before, I try to be as proactive as possible. The morning that I went, it was raining ... now that's nothing new when you live in Scotland but i'm sure it probably did contribute to the way that I was feeling.
I was advised by my health visitor that there was one not too far from me and that it started at 10:30am. I tried getting up early in order to get out the door but as most new Mum's and Mum's in general really, that it can be difficult to get out the door before 12! I drove up and before getting out the car, i think I was having a minor panic attack as I just wasn't up to meeting new people or leaving the house unless it was to see family and on the odd occasion, friends especially if my husband wasn't with me.
The building itself was a concrete building with no windows .... so i walked in and waited. I saw that there was a gate but didn't know how to open it or who to speak to. I started to panic. A janitor opened the gate for me and said that I should go in and pay whatever the fee was. I went in and there were tonnes of kids running around and many mothers, and 1 father.
I scanned the room looking for eye contact with someone who would come and speak to me but no one did. I tried smiling at many of the adults, no one smiled back. i felt like a child in the playground who no one wanted to play with. I felt like shit. Sorry for the language but this is an honest account.
I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes, the fear in my body and the need to get out of there fast. The harder I tried not to cry, the faster the tears came. I put my head down and went to walk out but I was stopped by a woman with a baby who looked around a year old who i would later come to know as Rachael and a little boy with the cutest glasses that resembled the milky bar kid and his name was Nathaniel . Her name was kate and she is one of my best friends now. If she hadn't came to speak to me that day, I don't know how things would have turned out. She is one of the many supportive people that I have in my life and I am so thankful that I attended that baby group on that day.
P.S. I never set foot in that group again.
A list of links for dad's
Afternoon!
I was wanting to put a list of links for Fathers (should any be reading), that I thought were interesting. the first one tells us that 10% of men suffer from PND, I wonder how realistic this really is? I'm sure that many cases of male PND is not reported as much as female cases as women are more likely to have most contact with a health visitor and doctor. I wonder if they do the Edinburgh PND scale for men as well? I would certainly like to find the answer to this and on my next visit with the doctor, I will ask and report back.
http://www.dad.info/health/your-health/post-natal-depression-dads/
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-13454471
I don't want to post too many just now for rear of information overload. One thing I did notice was that there wasn't a lot of information available for Fathers. I think that this is something that should be highlighted and changed. Although it affects men and women in different ways, we all have valid experiences which should be treated accordingly.
I also found the following link which answers a question about people in remote areas. This can be used by men and women and men.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/highlands_and_islands/8170237.stm
I was wanting to put a list of links for Fathers (should any be reading), that I thought were interesting. the first one tells us that 10% of men suffer from PND, I wonder how realistic this really is? I'm sure that many cases of male PND is not reported as much as female cases as women are more likely to have most contact with a health visitor and doctor. I wonder if they do the Edinburgh PND scale for men as well? I would certainly like to find the answer to this and on my next visit with the doctor, I will ask and report back.
http://www.dad.info/health/your-health/post-natal-depression-dads/
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-13454471
I don't want to post too many just now for rear of information overload. One thing I did notice was that there wasn't a lot of information available for Fathers. I think that this is something that should be highlighted and changed. Although it affects men and women in different ways, we all have valid experiences which should be treated accordingly.
I also found the following link which answers a question about people in remote areas. This can be used by men and women and men.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/highlands_and_islands/8170237.stm
Tuesday 9 August 2011
Buggython Fundraiser
Hi
Just wanted to share with you all about the Buggython which is taking place in Glasgow this September. I will attach the flyer for anyone who is interested and I really hope that you can all come out and support this amazing fundraising event.
As you all know, the Tom Allan Centre had a major impact on my recovery , and I will continue to support them in any way that I can. They also require volunteers for their creche, admin, and fundraising. If anyone wants to volunteer, the details are detailed on the flyer.
BlueBell Buggython
Just wanted to share with you all about the Buggython which is taking place in Glasgow this September. I will attach the flyer for anyone who is interested and I really hope that you can all come out and support this amazing fundraising event.
As you all know, the Tom Allan Centre had a major impact on my recovery , and I will continue to support them in any way that I can. They also require volunteers for their creche, admin, and fundraising. If anyone wants to volunteer, the details are detailed on the flyer.
BlueBell Buggython
Saturday 10 September 2011
10.30am to 1pm
BOTANIC GARDENS
730 Great Western Road, Glasgow G12 0UE
Face painting, Arts & Crafts & Entertainment
Walk starts at 11am - all welcome with buggy or not!
Registration £5
To help families affected by Ante/Postnatal Depression
Contact:
Jackie Walker Bluebell PND Service Tom Allan Centre
at: Bluebell PND Support
Church of Scotland Social Care Council, Operating as CrossReach The Church of Scotland, Scottish Charity No. SCO11353
My husband's point of view
I had wondered how he would feel about talking to me about it via the blog. We do discuss it from time to time , but possibly not so in depth. I thought it would be beneficial to ask him what his take was on the whole thing.
He said that he started to know that something wasn't right, and that I was very happy in the hospital but that things changed the day that we got back. He said I started to panic about being home and being alone, and said that I would lie on the couch all the time, not speaking and not really moving.
He said that it was difficult because he had no time to do anything due to work and things happening there and that there seemed to be a period of 3 months when he would need to go out to work, come home at lunch, come home at night and put our daughter to bed and then me. I asked if he ever thought that I was capable of doing something to myself or to my daughter to which he replied "no". He believes that I was telling the truth. This is one of the times that I lied because I was thinking of killing myself many times.
I asked how he felt about me going to Canada, but he said that it was something that I needed to do but said that things got worse when I came home and he feels that this was due to being homesick, he said I seemed like I didnt want to be here and there was no excitement to see him. I feel a lot of guilt about this.
I asked about my behaviors and he said that there was a lot of shouting , and when our daughter got upset , I would shout more and storm off saying that i couldn't handle it and go lie on the couch. He said I wouldn't move and that he would need to take over. I asked if he had thought about leaving me and he said that he hadn't and he believed that i would get better.
He says that so many things were happening that he cant remember it all, and that its difficult to place when things happened, he also mentions a time when I was going through a stage of drinking and I said that I hated our daughter but he said that he never took it on board because he knew deep down, that I didn't mean it.
He said that he started to know that something wasn't right, and that I was very happy in the hospital but that things changed the day that we got back. He said I started to panic about being home and being alone, and said that I would lie on the couch all the time, not speaking and not really moving.
He said that it was difficult because he had no time to do anything due to work and things happening there and that there seemed to be a period of 3 months when he would need to go out to work, come home at lunch, come home at night and put our daughter to bed and then me. I asked if he ever thought that I was capable of doing something to myself or to my daughter to which he replied "no". He believes that I was telling the truth. This is one of the times that I lied because I was thinking of killing myself many times.
I asked how he felt about me going to Canada, but he said that it was something that I needed to do but said that things got worse when I came home and he feels that this was due to being homesick, he said I seemed like I didnt want to be here and there was no excitement to see him. I feel a lot of guilt about this.
I asked about my behaviors and he said that there was a lot of shouting , and when our daughter got upset , I would shout more and storm off saying that i couldn't handle it and go lie on the couch. He said I wouldn't move and that he would need to take over. I asked if he had thought about leaving me and he said that he hadn't and he believed that i would get better.
He says that so many things were happening that he cant remember it all, and that its difficult to place when things happened, he also mentions a time when I was going through a stage of drinking and I said that I hated our daughter but he said that he never took it on board because he knew deep down, that I didn't mean it.
Turning things around
I am very conscious of how my posts sound and was worried that anyone going through this would think is there any hope? There is but I wanted people to know how debilitating it really is and that although our journey may be different to the next person, there are a lot of commonalities too.
I had mentioned before that I try to rationalize things in order for them to make sense in my own head, and this helps me to make sense of not only this but also about life in general... I think a lot of the similarities with people going through PND can be put down to patient care before and after. I know that because I was quite ill at the start of my pregnancy which I hadn't mentioned previously , many trips to the hospital making sure that my baby was ok and that she was getting enough nutrients, may have started the anxiety part of my depression. I wonder if it kick started what was to be? I could be wrong because I know of a lot of people who were a;so quite ill up until the 4th month of their pregnancy who didnt develop PND. I would have to see if there was a proper study into this.
I also wonder if low iron levels are a contributing factor? I have a B12 def now and I certainly know of people who have this and also experienced PND. They also say that traumatic experiences may be a factor , again the accident with my Dad. or am I just clutching at straws and trying to make sense of something that just happened and I need to get over it and move on?
I guess my main point of this blog is to help people understand that it happens, its OK to go through it and there is help. I want to raise awareness about it and I just want to write for my own therapeutic process. It is a very real experience and in writing this is has provoked much anger towards being let down by some health professionals. n i could get bitter and remain angry but instead, I will try to change the way in which people are dealt with.
I was speaking to a health visitor at work last night and even she said that they need to re think the way in which women and men are dealt with. She believes that there is still very much a stigma attached to PND and that something needs to change. She believes that a lot of women don't admit it to themselves because they are scared of having their children taken away from them or having the label of "unfit" mother assigned to them. I think personally to that last statement I would challenge it. You want more than anything in the world to have that bond, you try almost anything but for some it just takes longer. But it happens, i assure you and would bet my life on it.
I had mentioned before that I try to rationalize things in order for them to make sense in my own head, and this helps me to make sense of not only this but also about life in general... I think a lot of the similarities with people going through PND can be put down to patient care before and after. I know that because I was quite ill at the start of my pregnancy which I hadn't mentioned previously , many trips to the hospital making sure that my baby was ok and that she was getting enough nutrients, may have started the anxiety part of my depression. I wonder if it kick started what was to be? I could be wrong because I know of a lot of people who were a;so quite ill up until the 4th month of their pregnancy who didnt develop PND. I would have to see if there was a proper study into this.
I also wonder if low iron levels are a contributing factor? I have a B12 def now and I certainly know of people who have this and also experienced PND. They also say that traumatic experiences may be a factor , again the accident with my Dad. or am I just clutching at straws and trying to make sense of something that just happened and I need to get over it and move on?
I guess my main point of this blog is to help people understand that it happens, its OK to go through it and there is help. I want to raise awareness about it and I just want to write for my own therapeutic process. It is a very real experience and in writing this is has provoked much anger towards being let down by some health professionals. n i could get bitter and remain angry but instead, I will try to change the way in which people are dealt with.
I was speaking to a health visitor at work last night and even she said that they need to re think the way in which women and men are dealt with. She believes that there is still very much a stigma attached to PND and that something needs to change. She believes that a lot of women don't admit it to themselves because they are scared of having their children taken away from them or having the label of "unfit" mother assigned to them. I think personally to that last statement I would challenge it. You want more than anything in the world to have that bond, you try almost anything but for some it just takes longer. But it happens, i assure you and would bet my life on it.
Monday 8 August 2011
Guilt
No one prepares you for it really, do they? The guilt at not being able to breast feed when you really want to provide what we are told is best, for our babies. As mentioned in a previous post, I had tried in the hospital but unfortunately I couldn't do it and made the difficult decision to bottle feed instead.. It may have been due to sleep deprivation or just wanting to do the easiest thing in order to get out and get home, I dont really know..
What followed and still does to this day, is the amount of guilt I feel and I am still envious of friends who have , or when I am out and see a baby being breast fed, there is that longing. I did at times try , I have an amazing cousin who was a volunteer for the breast feeding initiative and she sat down with me to try to get my daughter latched on as well as assisting me with expressing. I managed for a few days but I think because it was few and far between, the milk just wouldn't come through.
Up until recently I thought, if we have another baby, I will make it up in that way and make sure that all the "mistakes" I made with daughter number 1 , would not be repeated with baby number 2. But this is not a way to live, these are irrational thoughts... the difference is , I can identify them as being irrational and work on them,. I know that the media hypes things up and often gets information wrong, as does the medical profession. Don't get me wrong, i think if you can breast feed, you should but it isn't worth someone beating themselves up about it.
I think another thing that we feel guilty about as mothers which adds to PND, or it certainly did mine, was the "Yummy Mummies". We all know these women... the ones who are immaculately dressed when you're the one with spit and vomit on your clothing but managed to still get out the door before lunch time ;) How do they manage to get up and out so early and look so immaculate? I remember being in company with at a weaning fair. It was a particularly bad day, I didn't want to go or even leave the house that day but I was trying hard to be proactive and i had arranged to meet a friend.
I looked like hell on this day and the boots that I had on, couldn't zip them all the way up due to my body changing after my daughter was born(fat calves), but my trousers were covering them although slightly visible, I remember the look she gave me. It just added to the despair that I was already feeling. She had the perfect pram, well kept appearance, and immaculate baby. I, looked terrible and was on the verge of tears. I made excuses to leave and probably cried all the way home. I felt like anything that I did to try to get better, just kept backfiring on me.
What I should have realized was, at least I made it out that day despite feeling the way that I had. I should have been kind to myself and saw an achievement! But I didn't, i just beat myself up about things.It was becoming a regular thing and it would be some time before I started seeing changes.
What followed and still does to this day, is the amount of guilt I feel and I am still envious of friends who have , or when I am out and see a baby being breast fed, there is that longing. I did at times try , I have an amazing cousin who was a volunteer for the breast feeding initiative and she sat down with me to try to get my daughter latched on as well as assisting me with expressing. I managed for a few days but I think because it was few and far between, the milk just wouldn't come through.
Up until recently I thought, if we have another baby, I will make it up in that way and make sure that all the "mistakes" I made with daughter number 1 , would not be repeated with baby number 2. But this is not a way to live, these are irrational thoughts... the difference is , I can identify them as being irrational and work on them,. I know that the media hypes things up and often gets information wrong, as does the medical profession. Don't get me wrong, i think if you can breast feed, you should but it isn't worth someone beating themselves up about it.
I think another thing that we feel guilty about as mothers which adds to PND, or it certainly did mine, was the "Yummy Mummies". We all know these women... the ones who are immaculately dressed when you're the one with spit and vomit on your clothing but managed to still get out the door before lunch time ;) How do they manage to get up and out so early and look so immaculate? I remember being in company with at a weaning fair. It was a particularly bad day, I didn't want to go or even leave the house that day but I was trying hard to be proactive and i had arranged to meet a friend.
I looked like hell on this day and the boots that I had on, couldn't zip them all the way up due to my body changing after my daughter was born(fat calves), but my trousers were covering them although slightly visible, I remember the look she gave me. It just added to the despair that I was already feeling. She had the perfect pram, well kept appearance, and immaculate baby. I, looked terrible and was on the verge of tears. I made excuses to leave and probably cried all the way home. I felt like anything that I did to try to get better, just kept backfiring on me.
What I should have realized was, at least I made it out that day despite feeling the way that I had. I should have been kind to myself and saw an achievement! But I didn't, i just beat myself up about things.It was becoming a regular thing and it would be some time before I started seeing changes.
Another side line note
I will be talking to my husband to get his point of view about PND. I want this blog to be as informative as possible, with all sides and opinions explored. I will also try to interview men who have gone through PND to see what their experiences were and how it affected them. This will not come for some time as I will need to speak to a few people about getting permission.
I have also engaged with some people from the States and it would be great to get their opinion on how the health care system is over there to see if we could possibly learn from or improve upon our system here. I think it is always a great idea to get perspectives from people in other countries as well as our own due to PND being such an individual and real experience for those who have been on this journey.
I would also like to gather some links, one of which I posted in twitter this morning for people who live in Scotland. I wonder how much help and information is available for those who may live in remote areas of the UK? Please feel free to comment and I will certainly add any links which could be of use to people?
I have also engaged with some people from the States and it would be great to get their opinion on how the health care system is over there to see if we could possibly learn from or improve upon our system here. I think it is always a great idea to get perspectives from people in other countries as well as our own due to PND being such an individual and real experience for those who have been on this journey.
I would also like to gather some links, one of which I posted in twitter this morning for people who live in Scotland. I wonder how much help and information is available for those who may live in remote areas of the UK? Please feel free to comment and I will certainly add any links which could be of use to people?
Quick Add
Hello to anyone reading this. I just wanted to say that I welcome any questions and can be contacted via email or twitter, but I am not medically trained. I will answer any questions with complete honesty and should anyone want someone to listen to, I am available. I will be posting again later tonight but due to volunteer commitments and work this evening, I won't be able to do this until later in.
Have a great day.x
Have a great day.x
Sunday 7 August 2011
Dark times and loneliness
After re reading the last post and having quite a few tears as well as cuddles with my daughter, I thought I would talk some more about the early days. The days of despair, the days of wanting it all to be over, of wanting to harm myself to end the mental and physical pain that I was going through. The days of utter grief and just not knowing what to do and who to turn to, where to go. I remember one day when i text a very good friend to tell him that I just wanted to end it all and his sister and mum came over to watch my daughter so that I could get some respite and pop along to tesco to get the shopping done. I remember looking at the woman who was working the check out and just wanting to change places with her. I would have given anything on that day to have done so. I also remember the thoughts of getting in to the car and thinking that I could drive and just not come back , like some mothers have done. I still don't know what I did to stop myself from doing it. I also used to do silly things like clean at 3am or whenever the night time feeds were. if my house was clean, at least I had some control.
I remember having a book recommended to me , it was called " The baby whisperer", but some author who didn't make enough of an impact on me to remember. I though that this was the answer, I put so much hope into getting this book that within hours of someone telling me about it, I had purchased this utter piece of nonsense and was setting myself up for yet another fall. I thought that it would tell me how to magically get my daughter to sleep and how to stop feeling the way that I was. For a small amount of time, I felt hope but these were soon dashed when I realized that it said exactly everything that other articles and books said, just in different words. I should have realized by seeing the many different books on the shelves how much of a money making industry (like magazines), these books really are. They prey off our insecurities of wanting to be the "perfect" parent with their flashy logo's, brightly advertised front cover and promises of being someone that doesn't exist! I was every marketer and author's wet dream! They couldn't stop me from shouting at this little life when she was crying and I certainly did a lot of that to the extent that each and every feed , my dog would get up and be there as though she was scared that I would harm my daughter. Even to this day, if I raise my voice around her, the dog will come in and sit between us. I would like to add at this point that I did not harm her, but I had thought of it time and time again. This is why when I hear about women who have post natal psychosis and actually do carry out their thoughts, I can understand.
As the nights were drawing in my moods got worse and more dark and I remember calling my mum every day , just crying and asking for some sort of reasoning as to why I was feeling the way that I was. She wasn't able to provide that answer, no one could. I feel so guilty for doing that to her especially after what she was going through with my Dad. It was then that i decided to fly home. A trip that I had intended to make anyway as I wanted to see him after all that had happened. I also saw this as a chance to bond with my daughter and for some help from my mum. I had never had the greatest of relationships with her but all I had wanted then and there, was her. One of the things that I didn't take into account was how my husband was going to be feeling in regards to being separated from his little girl for so long. In the early days, they grow so fast and I should have been more respectful of his feelings but instead, I was only thinking about myself and my feelings. I was kidding myself on that if I could get better when at home, things would be better when I got back. I was still so very insecure about my relationship.
I remember having a book recommended to me , it was called " The baby whisperer", but some author who didn't make enough of an impact on me to remember. I though that this was the answer, I put so much hope into getting this book that within hours of someone telling me about it, I had purchased this utter piece of nonsense and was setting myself up for yet another fall. I thought that it would tell me how to magically get my daughter to sleep and how to stop feeling the way that I was. For a small amount of time, I felt hope but these were soon dashed when I realized that it said exactly everything that other articles and books said, just in different words. I should have realized by seeing the many different books on the shelves how much of a money making industry (like magazines), these books really are. They prey off our insecurities of wanting to be the "perfect" parent with their flashy logo's, brightly advertised front cover and promises of being someone that doesn't exist! I was every marketer and author's wet dream! They couldn't stop me from shouting at this little life when she was crying and I certainly did a lot of that to the extent that each and every feed , my dog would get up and be there as though she was scared that I would harm my daughter. Even to this day, if I raise my voice around her, the dog will come in and sit between us. I would like to add at this point that I did not harm her, but I had thought of it time and time again. This is why when I hear about women who have post natal psychosis and actually do carry out their thoughts, I can understand.
As the nights were drawing in my moods got worse and more dark and I remember calling my mum every day , just crying and asking for some sort of reasoning as to why I was feeling the way that I was. She wasn't able to provide that answer, no one could. I feel so guilty for doing that to her especially after what she was going through with my Dad. It was then that i decided to fly home. A trip that I had intended to make anyway as I wanted to see him after all that had happened. I also saw this as a chance to bond with my daughter and for some help from my mum. I had never had the greatest of relationships with her but all I had wanted then and there, was her. One of the things that I didn't take into account was how my husband was going to be feeling in regards to being separated from his little girl for so long. In the early days, they grow so fast and I should have been more respectful of his feelings but instead, I was only thinking about myself and my feelings. I was kidding myself on that if I could get better when at home, things would be better when I got back. I was still so very insecure about my relationship.
Saturday 6 August 2011
And it continues.... part 3
I guess it must have been around this point where I started counselling. I was advised after visiting the drop in class at the Southern, and breaking down in floods of tears for probably the 100th time, that there was a place that you could self refer which catered to women who were experiencing PND.
I called the Tom Allen Center in Glasgow and was invited along for a chat and told what they did. I was assessed and was advised that it was person centred counselling approach that was used. I at the time, had no idea what that meant.... little did I know then that I would be studying this very same thing a few years later.
When I attended my initial assessment, I was treated with respect and with kindness, was told that they would be in contact with me and also said that they provided a creche facility as I didnt have any childcare for the times that they had appointments. I got a call a few weeks later and I think at times before the call came through, there was a bit of hope as I knew that there was some possible help coming my way. It was something to look forward to, a lightening of the clouds that were over my head and life at the time...I almost had a little it of hope.
In the mean time, I was still having very bad days. When my husband went to work, I would literally be waiting at the door or window for signs of him coming home. I had this little life which at the time, would say I hated. This sounds very harsh, I know. But at the time I wasnt thinking right at all. I had so many emotions and I had a whole lot of resentment towards my daughter, she took my freedom away and demanded so much of my time. In all honesty, I didnt think that I could ever love her. This is when the guilt would set in. I would look at other mothers and see how "easy" it seemed for them. I would wonder why this had happened to me, to us. Why when I had wanted to have a baby so much, did this happen? What did I do to deserve this? Why was I putting my husband through this? I was scared that he would leave me and I would lie often, about how my day went. I would sometimes say it went well because I thought that I would lose him. I never seemed to worry about the effect I had on my daughter , it was about making sure that he was still with me. When I read these words and see them on the screen, I cry with embarrassment. I am sad about the early days and the time that I feel that I have lost as things are so very much different now. But this is something that I will explain throughout this blog.. For now, I need to take a break.
I called the Tom Allen Center in Glasgow and was invited along for a chat and told what they did. I was assessed and was advised that it was person centred counselling approach that was used. I at the time, had no idea what that meant.... little did I know then that I would be studying this very same thing a few years later.
When I attended my initial assessment, I was treated with respect and with kindness, was told that they would be in contact with me and also said that they provided a creche facility as I didnt have any childcare for the times that they had appointments. I got a call a few weeks later and I think at times before the call came through, there was a bit of hope as I knew that there was some possible help coming my way. It was something to look forward to, a lightening of the clouds that were over my head and life at the time...I almost had a little it of hope.
In the mean time, I was still having very bad days. When my husband went to work, I would literally be waiting at the door or window for signs of him coming home. I had this little life which at the time, would say I hated. This sounds very harsh, I know. But at the time I wasnt thinking right at all. I had so many emotions and I had a whole lot of resentment towards my daughter, she took my freedom away and demanded so much of my time. In all honesty, I didnt think that I could ever love her. This is when the guilt would set in. I would look at other mothers and see how "easy" it seemed for them. I would wonder why this had happened to me, to us. Why when I had wanted to have a baby so much, did this happen? What did I do to deserve this? Why was I putting my husband through this? I was scared that he would leave me and I would lie often, about how my day went. I would sometimes say it went well because I thought that I would lose him. I never seemed to worry about the effect I had on my daughter , it was about making sure that he was still with me. When I read these words and see them on the screen, I cry with embarrassment. I am sad about the early days and the time that I feel that I have lost as things are so very much different now. But this is something that I will explain throughout this blog.. For now, I need to take a break.
Friday 5 August 2011
Something I know about part 2
As I write this blog, I can feel many different emotions and can remember so much from those days, I refer to as "black and lonely". I guess other people would use different types of words and feelings but those are the two which describe mine... I changed a lot and became such a different person who went from excited about my future , with so many plans and ideas, to someone who didn't want to get up in the morning, had elaborate schemes of leaving my husband and running away, asking to move in with my mother in law(which to all those who know me, realize I was was certifiably nuts to have such a thought), to going back home to live with my parents but knew that this wasn't an option due to the accident. I remember people who came to visit and meet my daughter and how i envied them when they left as they didn't have any sleepless nights ahead of them, had normal lives to resume with normal routines, no bottles to make up at 3am, just total and utter normality. I felt that this was going to be my life forever, I would never watch another movie, I would never go out with my husband for dinner again, I wouldn't be me. In fact, "Me" was slipping away and becoming unrecognizable to myself and others around me.
I could feel how opinions were changing, that people just didn't know what to say, they didn't know what to do , they wanted to help but they couldn't. It had to be me that needed to go through this "journey", one which would last a while but again as I said at the start, it was something that I have no regrets about ... Hindsight is a wonderful thing though, isn't it?
People who know me, know that I am quite proactive and although sarcastic, if I can change something, then I would do absolutely anything in order to do this. What I did was tell my my midwife right away that I wasn't feeling right, and thought that I could get this dealt with right away as having had depression in the past, I know how it can spiral. I have to note here that the classes you go to as a first time parent, do not prepare you for or inform you about the normality of PND. This is something that must change and instead of hammering the point of "breast is best" we need to inform and educate women and men about the issue as there is still a stigma attached to this as well as any type of depression.
So, I did tell her and her response was "its just the baby blues and you will be fine"..... BRICK WALL springs to mind here. Imagine telling someone within the health profession that something was wrong and they just dismissed you? My heart sank and I felt even more engulfed by that black hole that I was in. How could she look at someone who cried every time she came, and dismiss them like that? To this day, the anger I feel is quite powerful.
The turning point came when I went to my new doctors , and I was assigned a male health visitor. I called him one afternoon, trying to tell him how I felt but possibly incoherent, and he was up at the house within 2 hours. he assigned me to 1 PND group, 1 confidence building course , 1 baby massage group, and 1 mum and baby group. He was amazing. he listened without interruption, had obviously had training in PND, was on hand whenever I needed to talk, and most importantly, he believed what i was going through.
Don't get me wrong, my problems were not magically fixed. However, I do believe that with his support and that of my family(especially two cousins in particular) and my amazing husband, it certainly started me on the road to where I am now. As I mentioned, there have been many positives through this. One of which is meeting some great people around this area that i am not from and having friendships with people that i probably wouldn't have had if I had not attended these groups. The friendships that I have are some of the strongest because they understand. I'm not saying that people who haven't gone through this,were not supportive as that would be a lie, its just easier calling someone who has gone through PND, and have them listen to you cry without needing to say anything. One friend in particular knew why I had crazy rituals , and knew that if I had cancelled with an excuse, that I was having a bad day but couldn't admit it. She accepted me, and for that I cant thank her enough.
I could feel how opinions were changing, that people just didn't know what to say, they didn't know what to do , they wanted to help but they couldn't. It had to be me that needed to go through this "journey", one which would last a while but again as I said at the start, it was something that I have no regrets about ... Hindsight is a wonderful thing though, isn't it?
People who know me, know that I am quite proactive and although sarcastic, if I can change something, then I would do absolutely anything in order to do this. What I did was tell my my midwife right away that I wasn't feeling right, and thought that I could get this dealt with right away as having had depression in the past, I know how it can spiral. I have to note here that the classes you go to as a first time parent, do not prepare you for or inform you about the normality of PND. This is something that must change and instead of hammering the point of "breast is best" we need to inform and educate women and men about the issue as there is still a stigma attached to this as well as any type of depression.
So, I did tell her and her response was "its just the baby blues and you will be fine"..... BRICK WALL springs to mind here. Imagine telling someone within the health profession that something was wrong and they just dismissed you? My heart sank and I felt even more engulfed by that black hole that I was in. How could she look at someone who cried every time she came, and dismiss them like that? To this day, the anger I feel is quite powerful.
The turning point came when I went to my new doctors , and I was assigned a male health visitor. I called him one afternoon, trying to tell him how I felt but possibly incoherent, and he was up at the house within 2 hours. he assigned me to 1 PND group, 1 confidence building course , 1 baby massage group, and 1 mum and baby group. He was amazing. he listened without interruption, had obviously had training in PND, was on hand whenever I needed to talk, and most importantly, he believed what i was going through.
Don't get me wrong, my problems were not magically fixed. However, I do believe that with his support and that of my family(especially two cousins in particular) and my amazing husband, it certainly started me on the road to where I am now. As I mentioned, there have been many positives through this. One of which is meeting some great people around this area that i am not from and having friendships with people that i probably wouldn't have had if I had not attended these groups. The friendships that I have are some of the strongest because they understand. I'm not saying that people who haven't gone through this,were not supportive as that would be a lie, its just easier calling someone who has gone through PND, and have them listen to you cry without needing to say anything. One friend in particular knew why I had crazy rituals , and knew that if I had cancelled with an excuse, that I was having a bad day but couldn't admit it. She accepted me, and for that I cant thank her enough.
Thursday 4 August 2011
Something that I know about Part one
As the title says.... I'm posting about something that I am familiar with... Post natal depression.
This is something that I experienced and went through which is very much part of my life still but it isn't all negative.. quite the contrary really. It has led me to my current area of study and had I not gone through this, I wouldn't have learned so much about myself or other people for that fact.
I guess I should start before my daughter was born ... sounds weird but read on and you'll see the relevance... I miscarried and then got pregnant immediately which created a pregnancy of frequent trips to the doctors, hospitals and trawling the internet for information regarding pregnancy and what could go wrong. I never fully expected that I would carry to term as I believed that this one would also result in a miscarriage too. Every time I felt movement, no movement, was tired, not tired enough ect ect, I was at the doctors. I was a nervous wreck and being non religious would often make pact's with god.
And then I got a call from home ...... My dad had fallen and was in a partial coma ... they didn't know if he would live or die. My parents live in Canada and I in Scotland ... my sisters wouldn't let me fly home due to the previous pregnancy. I talk about this as I believe through constant attempts at finding an answer to why I went through PND, that this is one theory (of which I have many ). I was on the phone few times a day looking for updates that no one could give me as we just had to wait and I had numerous phone calls with friends and family but finally he came through and was out of most danger but resulted in him being in hospital and having a brain injury.
Then, on the 21 August 2007, driving back from the local tesco.... I started having pains. I remember distinctly having a conversation with a friend and said " this labor stuff isn't that bad at all"... boy did I regret saying that! After a night of going into the bath, attempting to sleep, walk ect... I went into the hospital and was told "you aren't in labor but we will check you over but are busy so wait in the room until we call you".... when they did and I was examined, they saw that the baby was in distress and they decided to break my waters... I wasn't ready! too late, I was bundled in to a room with my husband and a nurse, who i remember changed the radio station from Radio 1 to some god awful station. It was at that point I had decided that I didn't like her and I'm sure that she was the one who said that I was making too much noise. So, my beautiful daughtewr was born later that day after a not so bad delivery.
I was taken upstairs to the room and was in complete awe of this beautiful little girl who didn't really make much noise at all. I was told to sleep when she slept but as a first time parent and being on cloud nine, I didn't want to take my eyes off of her. I tried breast feeding but it became difficult and when the nurses woke us up in the middle of the night to feed (another reason to explain things), I just couldn't get the hang of it. I was told point blank by a tobacco smelling nurse that if I didn't feed, we wouldn't get out of hospital. unfortunately, i couldn't do it and had to bottle feed my daughter. Now anyone in the West of Scotland would have had it drummed into them that breast is best and the guilt and shame of having to bottle feed my daughter, was very upsetting not to m mention when you dared to ask a nurse for a bottle and they were having a meeting ! It was like you had committed murder on the ward!
So as sleep deprivation set in and then being told that we had to stay another night because the wee one had jaundice, I think this is when I started crumbling.... The next day we were allowed to go home not having been told that the teets on the bottles in hospital are not sold anywhere or not even been given a bottle for when we got home, off we went for our new start at home with our beautiful new daughter.
When we got home, with no food, my husband went out and left me alone with this crying baby who was so hungry , to get food. I tried breast feeding but it didn't work possibly due to me being nervous and not having much milk, and possibly the little one being able to sense my fear. It was the longest few minutes of my life being alone with her. I didn't know what to do and as my mother was so far away and dealing with what was happening to my dad, I felt completely alone. I felt lonely, helpless and desperate. I just wanted MY mum... I felt like the child although I was 29 years of age! I felt ashamed and a failure and it got worse and worse before I hit rock bottom which was still to come....
This is something that I experienced and went through which is very much part of my life still but it isn't all negative.. quite the contrary really. It has led me to my current area of study and had I not gone through this, I wouldn't have learned so much about myself or other people for that fact.
I guess I should start before my daughter was born ... sounds weird but read on and you'll see the relevance... I miscarried and then got pregnant immediately which created a pregnancy of frequent trips to the doctors, hospitals and trawling the internet for information regarding pregnancy and what could go wrong. I never fully expected that I would carry to term as I believed that this one would also result in a miscarriage too. Every time I felt movement, no movement, was tired, not tired enough ect ect, I was at the doctors. I was a nervous wreck and being non religious would often make pact's with god.
And then I got a call from home ...... My dad had fallen and was in a partial coma ... they didn't know if he would live or die. My parents live in Canada and I in Scotland ... my sisters wouldn't let me fly home due to the previous pregnancy. I talk about this as I believe through constant attempts at finding an answer to why I went through PND, that this is one theory (of which I have many ). I was on the phone few times a day looking for updates that no one could give me as we just had to wait and I had numerous phone calls with friends and family but finally he came through and was out of most danger but resulted in him being in hospital and having a brain injury.
Then, on the 21 August 2007, driving back from the local tesco.... I started having pains. I remember distinctly having a conversation with a friend and said " this labor stuff isn't that bad at all"... boy did I regret saying that! After a night of going into the bath, attempting to sleep, walk ect... I went into the hospital and was told "you aren't in labor but we will check you over but are busy so wait in the room until we call you".... when they did and I was examined, they saw that the baby was in distress and they decided to break my waters... I wasn't ready! too late, I was bundled in to a room with my husband and a nurse, who i remember changed the radio station from Radio 1 to some god awful station. It was at that point I had decided that I didn't like her and I'm sure that she was the one who said that I was making too much noise. So, my beautiful daughtewr was born later that day after a not so bad delivery.
I was taken upstairs to the room and was in complete awe of this beautiful little girl who didn't really make much noise at all. I was told to sleep when she slept but as a first time parent and being on cloud nine, I didn't want to take my eyes off of her. I tried breast feeding but it became difficult and when the nurses woke us up in the middle of the night to feed (another reason to explain things), I just couldn't get the hang of it. I was told point blank by a tobacco smelling nurse that if I didn't feed, we wouldn't get out of hospital. unfortunately, i couldn't do it and had to bottle feed my daughter. Now anyone in the West of Scotland would have had it drummed into them that breast is best and the guilt and shame of having to bottle feed my daughter, was very upsetting not to m mention when you dared to ask a nurse for a bottle and they were having a meeting ! It was like you had committed murder on the ward!
So as sleep deprivation set in and then being told that we had to stay another night because the wee one had jaundice, I think this is when I started crumbling.... The next day we were allowed to go home not having been told that the teets on the bottles in hospital are not sold anywhere or not even been given a bottle for when we got home, off we went for our new start at home with our beautiful new daughter.
When we got home, with no food, my husband went out and left me alone with this crying baby who was so hungry , to get food. I tried breast feeding but it didn't work possibly due to me being nervous and not having much milk, and possibly the little one being able to sense my fear. It was the longest few minutes of my life being alone with her. I didn't know what to do and as my mother was so far away and dealing with what was happening to my dad, I felt completely alone. I felt lonely, helpless and desperate. I just wanted MY mum... I felt like the child although I was 29 years of age! I felt ashamed and a failure and it got worse and worse before I hit rock bottom which was still to come....
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