New blog address

Hi all

Just to let you all know that I have moved to www.daftmamma.co.uk

I hope to see you all there.

Updates!

Just an update to say that I have scheduled a meet up for Tuesday October 11th at 11am, Beanscene Woodlands Road in Glasgow. I will probably continue to have the meet ups there unless anyone suggests elsewhere. I am open to traveling and also meeting on a one to one basis if anyone out there doesn't want to meet in a group. Any meeting in a one to one basis will be done in a coffee shop or somewhere else public, for obvious safety reasons.

Also, I am pleased by the article that was printed in the Cambuslang and Rutherglen Reformer today which was about highlighting the issues of PND and how I am using the blog to do this. I hope to do more work on a support service of some sort, this is in early stages just now but there are many ideas circulating!

Also, with the help of a friend and her company "POLR", I will have my own .co.uk up and running very soon! I am looking for people who would like to tell their stories and include favorite blogs and will also start blogging about other interests of mine but it will be primarily focusing in PND. I will also be running a few competitions now and again , for books and other goodies.

In the next few weeks I will also be graduating, have an essay due and be finishing off a course that I have been doing with the amazing "Open University" and have a guest blog being put on to "Britmums" so I may not get a chance to write as much.

I think this is all that I have on.... Thanks again to all of you who continue to read, comment and email me. Your support is amazing:)

How I view my parenting

I was exchanging a few emails with a friend of mine about how I view my parenting and how my daughter views this too , and what I concluded was that my daughter seems to prefer my husband more than she does me.

Now, don't get me wrong,  I don't think that its all down to PND(although my guilty side would say so), I think that its because I'm bad cop and he is good cop. This causes a few issues in our household as I'm sure it does in most UK and world wide homes.  Do some Dad's who are working full time, feel that they have to make up for not being there as much as Mum's ? I realize that there are role reversals and that its not always the Mum who is stay at home, I'm not excluding carers ect or single parent families  as each family situation is different, I'm just talking about my own experience.

In my household, my daughter knows that when she asks me something to which the answer is no, that she may have a chance at bargaining with him especially when the "you are the best daddy in the world, and I love you to the moon and back", is used as her tool of choice followed by the hugs.  My husband thinks that I am too hard on her and should be a bit more lenient but I say "NO" to jammy dodgers in the morning and chocolate as it just isn't nutritious!  However, when I see them both together and the admiration in her eyes, I cant help but feel a pang of jealousy! How dare she not look at me with those eyes and the "you are my world" face, like she does to Daddy? for I am "Supermum" who comes to her rescue and is the defender of all things healthy! Har har!

I suppose he isn't all that bad(I secretly love and adore him but don't let him in on that) ... he loves her which as I have said before is the best thing that you could give to a child, but I wish he would bugger off and let me have some cuddles now and again! LOL!

A letter to those who were supposed to care

I am writing this letter to you, the hospital who were supposed to care but let me down when I needed help most. You made me feel dirty when I bloodied the sheets an hour after giving birth and did not show me where to get the physical things that I required such as nappies,pads,and towels.

You woke me when myself and my baby were sleeping and assigned me a nurse who tried to get my baby to latch on using her tobacco stained hands, it's no wonder we had trouble that night. You also made me feel inadequate when my baby wouldn't feed because you always told me time and time again that "it was the most natural thing in the world". You made me feel like I was harming my baby with your "tut's" and disapproving looks when I caved in and gave my daughter the formula milk. You wouldn't give me the time of day.


You should be ashamed of the way that you treat people , you have no understanding at all about the word "care" and what is involved because for the time that I was in your hospital , care was very rarely given. You made me feel like I was a hassle when I asked something of you , or required information that I needed since I was a first time mother and didn't know any better. I didn't have my own mother there to help or advise. I had you and your staff. What did you do for me? absolutely nothing apart from letting me go home with uncertainty and doubt. Thank you for that.

I will not let other mothers go through what I did because of your inadequate "care", I will fight as hard as I possibly can to see that things change in your hospital as well as for others around the country. You will change the way that you and your staff treat new parents because my fight will go on. You will no longer look at anyone with judgement, or laugh when we get it wrong. You will be a source of knowledge and guidance.

Yours sincerely

A normal mum.

Wise Words

A very wise woman said to me this week that " a woman has to deal with many different issues in life, when a woman is having her period, she is going through PMS, and is nuts, when having a baby we have a hormonal imbalance, when going through the menopause she is crazy" Why cant we just be women ? Why do we have to have an explanation for how we feel?

She really made me think about how women are viewed in society and how this also contributes towards the stigma of PND and how its another thing that we have to explain in life. Another expectation...Another thing to feel guilty for, I suppose.

I have a lot of very strong women around me who inspire me . They make me think and make me question what we as women have to face on a a daily basis and also make me proud to be a woman. Its more than friendships , but a "sisterhood" which can be relied upon and I appreciate this. I am constantly reminded about the sheer determination that women have and the things that we overcome on a daily basis. We are wonderful and should celebrate this more often!

Whoosh

I have had a manic week.. it has had its highs and lows but mainly positively high and I have had to sit down to reflect on just how busy that it has been.  I have met some wonderful people and have also connected via twitter and the blog, to many more equally amazing and talented women who have taught me quite a lot this week.

I have gone from one meeting to the next, trying to fit in everything as my eyes have been opened up to the possibilities of where the blog can go and who it may be able to help. This is what I want to do and this is where I am taking it, full steam ahead! My world is going fast and if I had to describe it, it would be in one word"Whoosh"!  Its times like this though when I have to sit down in silence, with my thoughts and take stock. I have to set boundaries, those for myself and for other people otherwise I could head easily in to burn out. Self awareness has been a wonderful thing to have and has kept me near enough sane for the last wee while, long may it continue!

So this week, I must concentrate on me and some self care. I have to get my final essay completed and sent away, and I have to also take some time to walk, exercise and be kind to myself. I must also put more effort in to friendships as I am aware that some of them have suffered in the past few weeks due to appointments.  So this following week will be purely about me, friendships and family.

Although this post wasn't really about much, its helped me get some thoughts out and my mind clear! That can't be too bad, can it?

Cosmo says "No" to PND

Just a quick post ... when speaking to a few magazines this morning regarding the blog, Cosmo being one that I have read and do read from time to time, I was interested to hear that they don't deal with stories like mine. Or anything pregnancy related....

They say that the target market for their magazine is "early 20's", I challenged this by saying "but surely you must realize that PND does not choose age or gender and women in their 20's do get pregnant"? to which the response was "its an editorial decision".. Hmm.... I presume and purely going on that first impression... that a lot of the staff within Cosmo(looked at their editorial staffing) that a lot may possibly be women. I wonder how it would go down if one of them happened to go through PND. Would they just not talk about it because the "editor says no"?  Wow!

Talk about women turning their backs on one another...... if taken literally!

I for one will not be buying their magazine anyway, if only for lighting material for our bonfire in the back garden.......

Aiming too high...?

When I started this blog, I was writing for therapeutic reasons and didn't know if anyone was going to read it let alone want to interview me in newspapers.  I have a very good friend who said that I should start blogging and I guess it was always at the back of my mind. I also have a very good friend who I used to work with and who knows about all that silly stuff called "domains" ect, that I haven't got a scooby doo about but he is willing to educate me on this stuff so that I can do lots of lovely things with it that unfortunately I cant here.  Another very good friend who runs her own business , is taking me under her wing tomorrow night in order to maybe set up the new blog and to do a bit of research. I am very lucky that I have these people behind me and it is giving me confidence to take all of this to where I want to go..... Which is far.

As I said above, I didn't think that anything would happen with this, I was reluctant to share the link on facebook for fear of what people might think but then I got to the stage where I thought, "feck them, why shouldn't people know how it is to go through PND"? So I haven't looked back!

So yesterday, I attended a networking event in the city at Esca where we had a two course meal waiting and lots of enthusiastic women.  I have to say that I felt as though I had something to offer for the first time ever. I felt that I was going in with confidence , and I was right. People wanted to hear about what I had been doing and why I had decided to do it. I don't have a business (yet) although have many different ideas and one in the development stages(watch this space).  I met with women who were inspiring, who juggled family life,social lives and being owners of their own businesses.  There was an air of excitement, of genuineness and sisterhood!  We as women are lucky to have that quality as it inspires, creates new friendships and lasting bonds.

When I got home after work yesterday, I had an email from a journalist at the local newspaper who was interested in my blog and wanted me to contact him today.  I called and he was doing a piece on blogs and asked me a few questions surrounding my main reason for stating it and how it was going ect. Once I started explaining things he decided that he wanted to include the info that I had given him and also arranged for a photographer to come round to the house to take pictures of my daughter and I.  I was very excited because it meant even more coverage of PND, which is what I know is my ultimate goal, and something that I will continue to do for as long as I can. also, the journalist was not aware that men can also experience PND, so it was a small victory !  All in all, the info that I provided him with I feel , was pretty darn good!

So now I am emailing a lot of people to try to get stories in papers ect... I am aiming high but its for a really good cause, one which I am very passionate about.

I

Statistics

When I was talking to the reporter from the Evening Times about the percentage of men and women who experience PND, I decided not to have a figure ready as I don't believe that it is a true reflection of how many people are actually going through this. 

As there is still a stigma attached to PND, people are still very much reluctant to seek help and advice from their GP or other health professionals as admitting it and saying the words out load will only make it that much more real. When its real, you have to face it which can be a very painful process for some. This is why we need to get more people talking about it and the signs associated with it, so that if you notice that a friend or relative displaying certain behaviors, that you can help them until they can possibly access counselling services or other forms of structured help.

I think that we should have more discussions, have more about it within the media and dispel the myths that having PND makes you a failure as a mother , because it doesn't it makes you strong and tests your ability to cope with some very difficult and painful feelings.  I would say that the statistics need to be doubled or tripled and you may get closer to the real number of those experiencing PND. Maybe.

Working and PND

I was thinking of this topic when reading an article on PND, and wondered if going back to work helped me. I think I did mention before that I went back when my daughter was around 6mnths old. I do think that getting back in to the "real world" as I referred to it, did have an impact on things.  I remember the days thinking, "Thank goodness I only have to stay with my daughter for so many hours today" and I knew I had something to look forward to as life looking after her wasn't all shits and giggles. The tables have turned as now I enjoy having "arts and craft "days, "movie" days or "exploring" days and I resent working at times.  Don't get me wrong, there are still days when I am glad to have work as its a god send for when we aren't necessarily getting along and this happens due to our similar personalities which bring oh so many clashes!

I never thought that I would meet an individual who is as head strong, determined, and cheeky.... and then I had a 4 year old....  Notice I don't include my mother in this? LOL that's a whole other blog in the making but if I value my life, it wont be one until much later...the ugly sisters would kill me for that one :0

Returning to topic at hand, I think work can be a way to let off steam and concentrate on other things which was why I did need it. i am not saying that one must go back to work in order to get through PND, not at all as this is about my experience.  I also had a job which didn't require a lot of responsibility or concentration plus, I had a routine again.. a real one which didn't revolve around feeds and bottles or naps. I was also surrounded by some fun people who didn't have kids which meant conversation was more about every day things .... I wasn't "just"a Mum.

However,as things are much different, I love my role as mother,wife,friend,workmate,student,volunteer and individual.

Wow!

Hi

Just wanted to say that article has been published from last week's interview. Very excited that they have helped to highlight issues and empower women in business at the same time.  I hope that mentioning the blog address can reach more people in hope of highlighting PND and PPD.

http://www.eveningtimes.co.uk/news/editor-s-picks/mum-s-the-word-as-new-site-proves-to-be-real-hit-1.1122004

I just wanted to thank all of those women who published blogs and continue to do so because without your inspiring words and stories, I don't know if I would have  had the strength to do it. I feel so empowered by you all and i think you should all be proud of yourself.

Special thanks goes to Margaret Totten  for getting me into the paper and to Cheryl Ryder for being amazing.

Someting i've been doing

I cant remember exactly when I started doing it or even why (although I have my ideas), but I started writing to my daughter. I wanted her to know that despite the feelings that I was having, I have always loved her and that grows each day.

There are two parts to this though.. as I started writing to her even before she was born... almost as soon as I knew that she was Ok so possibly around the time of the scan. I told her how much she was wanted and  how much I was excited to meet her. I felt that the pregnancy was dragging on and on... I had so many ideas about what I thought life would be like. I used to talk to my bump and even put different music on the I pod and  and some how wrap the headphones round my ever increasing tummy.  I loved the feelings of movement and inside my belly and would also read to her , and rub my tummy. I would write about doctor appointments, things that I had done that day and also things that her father and I had done in preparation of her arrival.

When she was born, I had stopped for a while , but the day that I thought I was going to lose her(she fell when she was around 4mnths), was when I started writing again. I don't know if that was a turning point and realized just how much she meant and that it could have been worse, or what but this is probably the time when I started writing again.  I told her about what had happened that day and how I felt, about singing "twinkle twinkle little star" whilst waiting for the ambulance but still having the 999 operator on the line, how scared I was when we got to the hospital , and what the doctors must have thought about my lack of attention. I had literally turned my head for a split second and she was on her way down. I still feel sick about it and don't want to say much more.

The letters continued and became more natural, instead of wanting to possibly be forgiven (which is maybe why I wrote ), I wanted to tell her about the amazing things that she had done that day, such as eating her first solid's or smiling ,laughing, what she liked or didn't like. But most of all I think they were just about how proud we were to have her and how much we loved her.  Looking back , I think it in some ways charts my recovery and was therapeutic and brought me closer to her because I was concentrating on the goodness that she had brought to our lives.

I am learning so much still, and I cant wait to present them to her one day, I don't know when but I think I will know when the time is right and maybe she will even want to read this blog.....

Dissapointed

I was watching a show the other night about breast feeding and how the journalist in question was not able to breast feed due to continuous infection and at one point even being hospitalized.  As for many of us who were unable to breast feed for one reason or another, she also expressed the guilt that she felt and still does to this day.

She was speaking to younger girls, one of which felt that her breasts were there purely for sex and enjoyment but not for a child. I feel that we are all entitled to our own opinions and if that is what she felt, who are we to judge or make assumptions? She may have experienced different messages when growing up surrounding her physical make up. Yes we should probably challenge these as I feel if you can breast feed, you should try but in the same sense do not beat yourself up about it or do it because someone else is making you feel like a bad Mum for not doing it.  There are so many health benefits surrounding breast feeding but we can also get a lot of these in formula too. Love is what our children need, as well as time being spent with them, and not a mother who is left feeling anxious and depressed about the choice SHE made.

We are all women who should be supportive and not judgmental! What happened to sisterhood?Do we not get enough grief in life without having to fight to be heard and have equality as women? Women don't have to be at one anothers throats after having made informed decisions about what they feel to be right.

One of the things that probably disturbed me the most was what one of the mothers said about breast feeding and bonding. She said that a mother doesn't bond as well if they don't breastfeed. I was so angered at what was said because of my own personal feelings surrounding PND and what I think was one of the factors involved. How dare she speak for millions of mothers around the world! What gives her the right to make such judgements without understanding what the implications of such a statement could mean to mothers who feel guilt?  This is maybe how she feels and we are entitled to how we feel but to push that on and say that it is fact , is utter nonsense and very damaging.

Meet up

Due to writing my essay , I haven't had a chance to get on and write about the first meet up which was on Tuesday just past.

I was really nervous in the morning because I thought that no one would show up but I had a good friend reassure me that even if that was the case, it wouldn't be a bad thing as it takes a while for word of mouth to get around and the notice wasn't up on the  www.meetup.com website for very long.  So off I went with baby bottle in hand(which was supposed to be the identifying object on the table), with an optimistic attitude. For anyone who knows me, this is certainly a new thing!  I think that the difference was perhaps, the fact that for once in my life, I was doing something that I was 100% sure about and committed to. I had lived through the experience and it is important for me to help others as well as get different view points because not all experiences of PND are the same.

I was early, so got a coffee and spoke with the staff member who had reserved the table for us and thanking her for doing so. The only negative point was that we were in the other room and for people who maybe were not familiar with the coffee shop, would not have known to go through to the other room. Also , having PND doesn't always give you the confidence to go into a new place and it takes a lot of courage to even leave the house let alone go searching for complete strangers!  i think that this will be something that we could address for our next meet up but all in all, the place was lovely adn very relaxing which certainly helped in calming the nerves!

I don't want to go into too much detail as it is confidential but a lot of the chat seemed to center around health professionals.  Again, people didn't feel that they were able to get much support and felt similar to myself that the treatment was quite cold. I want to point out that all health professionals are like this because they aren't. Some are very helpful in pointing you in the right direction, I am only speaking on behalf of myself.

We also spoke about the possibility of hosting these events in soft play areas as well as different areas throughout Glasgow as it may not always be possible for folk to attend in certain areas of the city for childcare reasons ect. I had also thought about the possibility of getting a discounted rate if there were enough of us that wanted to attend. The last thing I want to do is make it an issue money wise for people to attend as this isn't what the group is about, so any feedback would be very helpful.

All in all, I am happy with the result and I really hope to see some new faces!