Someting i've been doing

I cant remember exactly when I started doing it or even why (although I have my ideas), but I started writing to my daughter. I wanted her to know that despite the feelings that I was having, I have always loved her and that grows each day.

There are two parts to this though.. as I started writing to her even before she was born... almost as soon as I knew that she was Ok so possibly around the time of the scan. I told her how much she was wanted and  how much I was excited to meet her. I felt that the pregnancy was dragging on and on... I had so many ideas about what I thought life would be like. I used to talk to my bump and even put different music on the I pod and  and some how wrap the headphones round my ever increasing tummy.  I loved the feelings of movement and inside my belly and would also read to her , and rub my tummy. I would write about doctor appointments, things that I had done that day and also things that her father and I had done in preparation of her arrival.

When she was born, I had stopped for a while , but the day that I thought I was going to lose her(she fell when she was around 4mnths), was when I started writing again. I don't know if that was a turning point and realized just how much she meant and that it could have been worse, or what but this is probably the time when I started writing again.  I told her about what had happened that day and how I felt, about singing "twinkle twinkle little star" whilst waiting for the ambulance but still having the 999 operator on the line, how scared I was when we got to the hospital , and what the doctors must have thought about my lack of attention. I had literally turned my head for a split second and she was on her way down. I still feel sick about it and don't want to say much more.

The letters continued and became more natural, instead of wanting to possibly be forgiven (which is maybe why I wrote ), I wanted to tell her about the amazing things that she had done that day, such as eating her first solid's or smiling ,laughing, what she liked or didn't like. But most of all I think they were just about how proud we were to have her and how much we loved her.  Looking back , I think it in some ways charts my recovery and was therapeutic and brought me closer to her because I was concentrating on the goodness that she had brought to our lives.

I am learning so much still, and I cant wait to present them to her one day, I don't know when but I think I will know when the time is right and maybe she will even want to read this blog.....