Dark times and loneliness

After re reading the last post and having quite a few tears as well as cuddles with my daughter, I thought I would talk some more about the early days.  The days of despair, the days of wanting it all to be over, of wanting to harm myself to end the mental and physical pain that I was going through.  The days of utter grief and just not knowing what to do and who to turn to, where to go.  I remember one day when i text a very good friend to tell him that I just wanted to end it all and his sister and mum came over to watch my daughter so that I could get some respite and pop along to tesco to get the shopping done.  I remember looking at the woman who was working the check out and just wanting to change places with her. I would have given anything on that day to have done so.   I also remember the thoughts of getting in to the car and thinking that I could drive and just not come back , like some mothers have done. I still don't know what I did to stop myself from doing it.  I also used to do silly things like clean at 3am or whenever the night time feeds were. if my house was clean, at least I had some control.

I remember having a book recommended to me , it was called " The baby whisperer", but some author who didn't make enough of an impact on me to remember. I though that this was the answer, I put so much hope into getting this book that within hours of someone telling me about it, I had purchased this utter piece of nonsense and was setting myself up for yet another fall.  I thought that it would tell me how to magically get my daughter to sleep and how to stop feeling the way that I was.  For a small amount of time, I felt hope but these were soon dashed when I realized that it said exactly everything that other articles and books said, just in different words.  I should have realized by seeing the many different books on the shelves how much of a money making industry (like magazines), these books really are. They prey off our insecurities  of wanting to be the "perfect" parent with their flashy logo's, brightly advertised front cover and promises of being someone that doesn't exist! I was every marketer and author's wet dream! They couldn't stop me from shouting at this little life when she was crying and I certainly did a lot of that to the extent that each and every feed , my dog would get up and be there as though she was scared that I would harm my daughter. Even to this day, if I raise my voice around her, the dog will come in and sit between us.  I would like to add at this point that I did not harm her, but I had thought of it time and time again. This is why when I hear about women who have post natal psychosis and actually do carry out their thoughts, I can understand.

As the nights were drawing in my moods got worse and more dark and I remember calling my mum every day , just crying and asking for some sort of reasoning as to why I was feeling the way that I was.   She wasn't able to provide that answer, no one could. I feel so guilty for doing that to her especially after what she was going through with my Dad.  It was then that i decided to fly home. A trip that I had intended to make anyway as I wanted to see him after all that had happened. I also saw this as a chance to bond with my daughter and for some help from my mum.  I had never had the greatest of relationships with her but all I had wanted then and there, was her. One of the things that I didn't take into account was how my husband was going to be feeling in regards to being separated from his little girl for so long. In the early days, they grow so fast  and I should have been more respectful of his feelings but instead, I was only thinking about myself and my feelings. I was kidding myself on that if I could get better when at home, things would be better when I got back.  I was still so very insecure about my relationship.