And it continues.... part 3

I guess it must have been around this point where I started counselling. I was advised after visiting the drop in class at the Southern, and breaking down in floods of tears for probably the 100th time, that there was a place that you could self refer which catered to women who were experiencing PND.

I called the Tom Allen Center in Glasgow and was invited along for a chat and told what they did. I was assessed and was advised that it was person centred counselling approach that was used. I at the time, had no idea what that meant.... little did I know then that I would be studying this very same thing a few years later.

When I attended my initial assessment, I was treated with respect and with kindness, was told that they would be in contact with me and also said that they provided a creche facility as I didnt have any childcare for the times that they had appointments. I got a call a few weeks later and I think at times before the call came through, there was a bit of hope as I knew that there was some possible help coming my way. It was something to look forward to, a lightening of the clouds that were over my head and life at the time...I almost had a little it of hope.

In the mean time, I was still having very bad days. When my husband went to work, I would literally be waiting at the door or window for signs of him coming home. I had this little life which at the time, would say I hated. This sounds very harsh, I know. But at the time I wasnt thinking right at all. I had so many emotions and I had a whole lot of resentment towards my daughter, she took my freedom away and demanded so much of my time. In all honesty, I didnt think that I could ever love her. This is when the guilt would set in. I would look at other mothers and see how "easy" it seemed for them. I would wonder why this had happened to me, to us. Why when I had wanted to have a baby so much, did this happen? What did I do to deserve this? Why was I putting my husband through this? I was scared that he would leave me and I would lie often, about how my day went. I would sometimes say it went well because I thought that I would lose him. I never seemed to worry about the effect I had on my daughter , it was about making sure that he was still with me. When I read these words and see them on the screen, I cry with embarrassment. I am sad about the early days and the time that I feel that I have lost as things are so very much different now. But this is something that I will explain throughout this blog.. For now, I need to take a break.