Anger

Through writing the blog, I feel like I haven't gotten out the anger that I have felt through having PND. I know that I have said that it was a good thing at having gone through it and I still stand by that.

I think I feel so much anger at having missed out on the early days of parenthood. Again, I know why I feel angry and I know where it is coming from but I still feel it. I need to let go of it because it is so hard to be this angry all of the time. Anger that is turning to bitterness in a way.  I know it isn't a "poor me" it is a valid and very justified anger. It is eating me up inside that I cant change what happened as much as I want to. I re live it from time to time, I wonder "what if" but then I remember the benefits of having experienced it PND because as I have stated before, I am strong and I have wonderful friends through this.

I think when I read about mothers who talk about breast feeding and how there really isn't room for discussion about why some women don't do it or just simply choose not to do it. It is the choice of the woman and no one should be made to feel guilty, its not a black and white situation.  I wish that I could have done it but it just wasn't right for me at the time.   I sat in my cousins front room, with my breasts out on show, trying hard to provide the best possible start for my baby because that is what they tell you breast feeding does. I tried real hard, but I couldn't.  isn't it enough that I was trying harder to love her? Is that not what children need more? Why did I need to feel like a failure amongst my fellow women? Or was this the pressure that I had created myself? I think the answer to that is Yes, I did create it but I think the media created the other half.

I will leave that entry for another evening....