I will be talking to my husband to get his point of view about PND. I want this blog to be as informative as possible, with all sides and opinions explored. I will also try to interview men who have gone through PND to see what their experiences were and how it affected them. This will not come for some time as I will need to speak to a few people about getting permission.
I have also engaged with some people from the States and it would be great to get their opinion on how the health care system is over there to see if we could possibly learn from or improve upon our system here. I think it is always a great idea to get perspectives from people in other countries as well as our own due to PND being such an individual and real experience for those who have been on this journey.
I would also like to gather some links, one of which I posted in twitter this morning for people who live in Scotland. I wonder how much help and information is available for those who may live in remote areas of the UK? Please feel free to comment and I will certainly add any links which could be of use to people?
My family
Monday, 8 August 2011
Quick Add
Hello to anyone reading this. I just wanted to say that I welcome any questions and can be contacted via email or twitter, but I am not medically trained. I will answer any questions with complete honesty and should anyone want someone to listen to, I am available. I will be posting again later tonight but due to volunteer commitments and work this evening, I won't be able to do this until later in.
Have a great day.x
Have a great day.x
Sunday, 7 August 2011
Dark times and loneliness
After re reading the last post and having quite a few tears as well as cuddles with my daughter, I thought I would talk some more about the early days. The days of despair, the days of wanting it all to be over, of wanting to harm myself to end the mental and physical pain that I was going through. The days of utter grief and just not knowing what to do and who to turn to, where to go. I remember one day when i text a very good friend to tell him that I just wanted to end it all and his sister and mum came over to watch my daughter so that I could get some respite and pop along to tesco to get the shopping done. I remember looking at the woman who was working the check out and just wanting to change places with her. I would have given anything on that day to have done so. I also remember the thoughts of getting in to the car and thinking that I could drive and just not come back , like some mothers have done. I still don't know what I did to stop myself from doing it. I also used to do silly things like clean at 3am or whenever the night time feeds were. if my house was clean, at least I had some control.
I remember having a book recommended to me , it was called " The baby whisperer", but some author who didn't make enough of an impact on me to remember. I though that this was the answer, I put so much hope into getting this book that within hours of someone telling me about it, I had purchased this utter piece of nonsense and was setting myself up for yet another fall. I thought that it would tell me how to magically get my daughter to sleep and how to stop feeling the way that I was. For a small amount of time, I felt hope but these were soon dashed when I realized that it said exactly everything that other articles and books said, just in different words. I should have realized by seeing the many different books on the shelves how much of a money making industry (like magazines), these books really are. They prey off our insecurities of wanting to be the "perfect" parent with their flashy logo's, brightly advertised front cover and promises of being someone that doesn't exist! I was every marketer and author's wet dream! They couldn't stop me from shouting at this little life when she was crying and I certainly did a lot of that to the extent that each and every feed , my dog would get up and be there as though she was scared that I would harm my daughter. Even to this day, if I raise my voice around her, the dog will come in and sit between us. I would like to add at this point that I did not harm her, but I had thought of it time and time again. This is why when I hear about women who have post natal psychosis and actually do carry out their thoughts, I can understand.
As the nights were drawing in my moods got worse and more dark and I remember calling my mum every day , just crying and asking for some sort of reasoning as to why I was feeling the way that I was. She wasn't able to provide that answer, no one could. I feel so guilty for doing that to her especially after what she was going through with my Dad. It was then that i decided to fly home. A trip that I had intended to make anyway as I wanted to see him after all that had happened. I also saw this as a chance to bond with my daughter and for some help from my mum. I had never had the greatest of relationships with her but all I had wanted then and there, was her. One of the things that I didn't take into account was how my husband was going to be feeling in regards to being separated from his little girl for so long. In the early days, they grow so fast and I should have been more respectful of his feelings but instead, I was only thinking about myself and my feelings. I was kidding myself on that if I could get better when at home, things would be better when I got back. I was still so very insecure about my relationship.
I remember having a book recommended to me , it was called " The baby whisperer", but some author who didn't make enough of an impact on me to remember. I though that this was the answer, I put so much hope into getting this book that within hours of someone telling me about it, I had purchased this utter piece of nonsense and was setting myself up for yet another fall. I thought that it would tell me how to magically get my daughter to sleep and how to stop feeling the way that I was. For a small amount of time, I felt hope but these were soon dashed when I realized that it said exactly everything that other articles and books said, just in different words. I should have realized by seeing the many different books on the shelves how much of a money making industry (like magazines), these books really are. They prey off our insecurities of wanting to be the "perfect" parent with their flashy logo's, brightly advertised front cover and promises of being someone that doesn't exist! I was every marketer and author's wet dream! They couldn't stop me from shouting at this little life when she was crying and I certainly did a lot of that to the extent that each and every feed , my dog would get up and be there as though she was scared that I would harm my daughter. Even to this day, if I raise my voice around her, the dog will come in and sit between us. I would like to add at this point that I did not harm her, but I had thought of it time and time again. This is why when I hear about women who have post natal psychosis and actually do carry out their thoughts, I can understand.
As the nights were drawing in my moods got worse and more dark and I remember calling my mum every day , just crying and asking for some sort of reasoning as to why I was feeling the way that I was. She wasn't able to provide that answer, no one could. I feel so guilty for doing that to her especially after what she was going through with my Dad. It was then that i decided to fly home. A trip that I had intended to make anyway as I wanted to see him after all that had happened. I also saw this as a chance to bond with my daughter and for some help from my mum. I had never had the greatest of relationships with her but all I had wanted then and there, was her. One of the things that I didn't take into account was how my husband was going to be feeling in regards to being separated from his little girl for so long. In the early days, they grow so fast and I should have been more respectful of his feelings but instead, I was only thinking about myself and my feelings. I was kidding myself on that if I could get better when at home, things would be better when I got back. I was still so very insecure about my relationship.
Saturday, 6 August 2011
And it continues.... part 3
I guess it must have been around this point where I started counselling. I was advised after visiting the drop in class at the Southern, and breaking down in floods of tears for probably the 100th time, that there was a place that you could self refer which catered to women who were experiencing PND.
I called the Tom Allen Center in Glasgow and was invited along for a chat and told what they did. I was assessed and was advised that it was person centred counselling approach that was used. I at the time, had no idea what that meant.... little did I know then that I would be studying this very same thing a few years later.
When I attended my initial assessment, I was treated with respect and with kindness, was told that they would be in contact with me and also said that they provided a creche facility as I didnt have any childcare for the times that they had appointments. I got a call a few weeks later and I think at times before the call came through, there was a bit of hope as I knew that there was some possible help coming my way. It was something to look forward to, a lightening of the clouds that were over my head and life at the time...I almost had a little it of hope.
In the mean time, I was still having very bad days. When my husband went to work, I would literally be waiting at the door or window for signs of him coming home. I had this little life which at the time, would say I hated. This sounds very harsh, I know. But at the time I wasnt thinking right at all. I had so many emotions and I had a whole lot of resentment towards my daughter, she took my freedom away and demanded so much of my time. In all honesty, I didnt think that I could ever love her. This is when the guilt would set in. I would look at other mothers and see how "easy" it seemed for them. I would wonder why this had happened to me, to us. Why when I had wanted to have a baby so much, did this happen? What did I do to deserve this? Why was I putting my husband through this? I was scared that he would leave me and I would lie often, about how my day went. I would sometimes say it went well because I thought that I would lose him. I never seemed to worry about the effect I had on my daughter , it was about making sure that he was still with me. When I read these words and see them on the screen, I cry with embarrassment. I am sad about the early days and the time that I feel that I have lost as things are so very much different now. But this is something that I will explain throughout this blog.. For now, I need to take a break.
I called the Tom Allen Center in Glasgow and was invited along for a chat and told what they did. I was assessed and was advised that it was person centred counselling approach that was used. I at the time, had no idea what that meant.... little did I know then that I would be studying this very same thing a few years later.
When I attended my initial assessment, I was treated with respect and with kindness, was told that they would be in contact with me and also said that they provided a creche facility as I didnt have any childcare for the times that they had appointments. I got a call a few weeks later and I think at times before the call came through, there was a bit of hope as I knew that there was some possible help coming my way. It was something to look forward to, a lightening of the clouds that were over my head and life at the time...I almost had a little it of hope.
In the mean time, I was still having very bad days. When my husband went to work, I would literally be waiting at the door or window for signs of him coming home. I had this little life which at the time, would say I hated. This sounds very harsh, I know. But at the time I wasnt thinking right at all. I had so many emotions and I had a whole lot of resentment towards my daughter, she took my freedom away and demanded so much of my time. In all honesty, I didnt think that I could ever love her. This is when the guilt would set in. I would look at other mothers and see how "easy" it seemed for them. I would wonder why this had happened to me, to us. Why when I had wanted to have a baby so much, did this happen? What did I do to deserve this? Why was I putting my husband through this? I was scared that he would leave me and I would lie often, about how my day went. I would sometimes say it went well because I thought that I would lose him. I never seemed to worry about the effect I had on my daughter , it was about making sure that he was still with me. When I read these words and see them on the screen, I cry with embarrassment. I am sad about the early days and the time that I feel that I have lost as things are so very much different now. But this is something that I will explain throughout this blog.. For now, I need to take a break.
Friday, 5 August 2011
Something I know about part 2
As I write this blog, I can feel many different emotions and can remember so much from those days, I refer to as "black and lonely". I guess other people would use different types of words and feelings but those are the two which describe mine... I changed a lot and became such a different person who went from excited about my future , with so many plans and ideas, to someone who didn't want to get up in the morning, had elaborate schemes of leaving my husband and running away, asking to move in with my mother in law(which to all those who know me, realize I was was certifiably nuts to have such a thought), to going back home to live with my parents but knew that this wasn't an option due to the accident. I remember people who came to visit and meet my daughter and how i envied them when they left as they didn't have any sleepless nights ahead of them, had normal lives to resume with normal routines, no bottles to make up at 3am, just total and utter normality. I felt that this was going to be my life forever, I would never watch another movie, I would never go out with my husband for dinner again, I wouldn't be me. In fact, "Me" was slipping away and becoming unrecognizable to myself and others around me.
I could feel how opinions were changing, that people just didn't know what to say, they didn't know what to do , they wanted to help but they couldn't. It had to be me that needed to go through this "journey", one which would last a while but again as I said at the start, it was something that I have no regrets about ... Hindsight is a wonderful thing though, isn't it?
People who know me, know that I am quite proactive and although sarcastic, if I can change something, then I would do absolutely anything in order to do this. What I did was tell my my midwife right away that I wasn't feeling right, and thought that I could get this dealt with right away as having had depression in the past, I know how it can spiral. I have to note here that the classes you go to as a first time parent, do not prepare you for or inform you about the normality of PND. This is something that must change and instead of hammering the point of "breast is best" we need to inform and educate women and men about the issue as there is still a stigma attached to this as well as any type of depression.
So, I did tell her and her response was "its just the baby blues and you will be fine"..... BRICK WALL springs to mind here. Imagine telling someone within the health profession that something was wrong and they just dismissed you? My heart sank and I felt even more engulfed by that black hole that I was in. How could she look at someone who cried every time she came, and dismiss them like that? To this day, the anger I feel is quite powerful.
The turning point came when I went to my new doctors , and I was assigned a male health visitor. I called him one afternoon, trying to tell him how I felt but possibly incoherent, and he was up at the house within 2 hours. he assigned me to 1 PND group, 1 confidence building course , 1 baby massage group, and 1 mum and baby group. He was amazing. he listened without interruption, had obviously had training in PND, was on hand whenever I needed to talk, and most importantly, he believed what i was going through.
Don't get me wrong, my problems were not magically fixed. However, I do believe that with his support and that of my family(especially two cousins in particular) and my amazing husband, it certainly started me on the road to where I am now. As I mentioned, there have been many positives through this. One of which is meeting some great people around this area that i am not from and having friendships with people that i probably wouldn't have had if I had not attended these groups. The friendships that I have are some of the strongest because they understand. I'm not saying that people who haven't gone through this,were not supportive as that would be a lie, its just easier calling someone who has gone through PND, and have them listen to you cry without needing to say anything. One friend in particular knew why I had crazy rituals , and knew that if I had cancelled with an excuse, that I was having a bad day but couldn't admit it. She accepted me, and for that I cant thank her enough.
I could feel how opinions were changing, that people just didn't know what to say, they didn't know what to do , they wanted to help but they couldn't. It had to be me that needed to go through this "journey", one which would last a while but again as I said at the start, it was something that I have no regrets about ... Hindsight is a wonderful thing though, isn't it?
People who know me, know that I am quite proactive and although sarcastic, if I can change something, then I would do absolutely anything in order to do this. What I did was tell my my midwife right away that I wasn't feeling right, and thought that I could get this dealt with right away as having had depression in the past, I know how it can spiral. I have to note here that the classes you go to as a first time parent, do not prepare you for or inform you about the normality of PND. This is something that must change and instead of hammering the point of "breast is best" we need to inform and educate women and men about the issue as there is still a stigma attached to this as well as any type of depression.
So, I did tell her and her response was "its just the baby blues and you will be fine"..... BRICK WALL springs to mind here. Imagine telling someone within the health profession that something was wrong and they just dismissed you? My heart sank and I felt even more engulfed by that black hole that I was in. How could she look at someone who cried every time she came, and dismiss them like that? To this day, the anger I feel is quite powerful.
The turning point came when I went to my new doctors , and I was assigned a male health visitor. I called him one afternoon, trying to tell him how I felt but possibly incoherent, and he was up at the house within 2 hours. he assigned me to 1 PND group, 1 confidence building course , 1 baby massage group, and 1 mum and baby group. He was amazing. he listened without interruption, had obviously had training in PND, was on hand whenever I needed to talk, and most importantly, he believed what i was going through.
Don't get me wrong, my problems were not magically fixed. However, I do believe that with his support and that of my family(especially two cousins in particular) and my amazing husband, it certainly started me on the road to where I am now. As I mentioned, there have been many positives through this. One of which is meeting some great people around this area that i am not from and having friendships with people that i probably wouldn't have had if I had not attended these groups. The friendships that I have are some of the strongest because they understand. I'm not saying that people who haven't gone through this,were not supportive as that would be a lie, its just easier calling someone who has gone through PND, and have them listen to you cry without needing to say anything. One friend in particular knew why I had crazy rituals , and knew that if I had cancelled with an excuse, that I was having a bad day but couldn't admit it. She accepted me, and for that I cant thank her enough.
Thursday, 4 August 2011
Something that I know about Part one
As the title says.... I'm posting about something that I am familiar with... Post natal depression.
This is something that I experienced and went through which is very much part of my life still but it isn't all negative.. quite the contrary really. It has led me to my current area of study and had I not gone through this, I wouldn't have learned so much about myself or other people for that fact.
I guess I should start before my daughter was born ... sounds weird but read on and you'll see the relevance... I miscarried and then got pregnant immediately which created a pregnancy of frequent trips to the doctors, hospitals and trawling the internet for information regarding pregnancy and what could go wrong. I never fully expected that I would carry to term as I believed that this one would also result in a miscarriage too. Every time I felt movement, no movement, was tired, not tired enough ect ect, I was at the doctors. I was a nervous wreck and being non religious would often make pact's with god.
And then I got a call from home ...... My dad had fallen and was in a partial coma ... they didn't know if he would live or die. My parents live in Canada and I in Scotland ... my sisters wouldn't let me fly home due to the previous pregnancy. I talk about this as I believe through constant attempts at finding an answer to why I went through PND, that this is one theory (of which I have many ). I was on the phone few times a day looking for updates that no one could give me as we just had to wait and I had numerous phone calls with friends and family but finally he came through and was out of most danger but resulted in him being in hospital and having a brain injury.
Then, on the 21 August 2007, driving back from the local tesco.... I started having pains. I remember distinctly having a conversation with a friend and said " this labor stuff isn't that bad at all"... boy did I regret saying that! After a night of going into the bath, attempting to sleep, walk ect... I went into the hospital and was told "you aren't in labor but we will check you over but are busy so wait in the room until we call you".... when they did and I was examined, they saw that the baby was in distress and they decided to break my waters... I wasn't ready! too late, I was bundled in to a room with my husband and a nurse, who i remember changed the radio station from Radio 1 to some god awful station. It was at that point I had decided that I didn't like her and I'm sure that she was the one who said that I was making too much noise. So, my beautiful daughtewr was born later that day after a not so bad delivery.
I was taken upstairs to the room and was in complete awe of this beautiful little girl who didn't really make much noise at all. I was told to sleep when she slept but as a first time parent and being on cloud nine, I didn't want to take my eyes off of her. I tried breast feeding but it became difficult and when the nurses woke us up in the middle of the night to feed (another reason to explain things), I just couldn't get the hang of it. I was told point blank by a tobacco smelling nurse that if I didn't feed, we wouldn't get out of hospital. unfortunately, i couldn't do it and had to bottle feed my daughter. Now anyone in the West of Scotland would have had it drummed into them that breast is best and the guilt and shame of having to bottle feed my daughter, was very upsetting not to m mention when you dared to ask a nurse for a bottle and they were having a meeting ! It was like you had committed murder on the ward!
So as sleep deprivation set in and then being told that we had to stay another night because the wee one had jaundice, I think this is when I started crumbling.... The next day we were allowed to go home not having been told that the teets on the bottles in hospital are not sold anywhere or not even been given a bottle for when we got home, off we went for our new start at home with our beautiful new daughter.
When we got home, with no food, my husband went out and left me alone with this crying baby who was so hungry , to get food. I tried breast feeding but it didn't work possibly due to me being nervous and not having much milk, and possibly the little one being able to sense my fear. It was the longest few minutes of my life being alone with her. I didn't know what to do and as my mother was so far away and dealing with what was happening to my dad, I felt completely alone. I felt lonely, helpless and desperate. I just wanted MY mum... I felt like the child although I was 29 years of age! I felt ashamed and a failure and it got worse and worse before I hit rock bottom which was still to come....
This is something that I experienced and went through which is very much part of my life still but it isn't all negative.. quite the contrary really. It has led me to my current area of study and had I not gone through this, I wouldn't have learned so much about myself or other people for that fact.
I guess I should start before my daughter was born ... sounds weird but read on and you'll see the relevance... I miscarried and then got pregnant immediately which created a pregnancy of frequent trips to the doctors, hospitals and trawling the internet for information regarding pregnancy and what could go wrong. I never fully expected that I would carry to term as I believed that this one would also result in a miscarriage too. Every time I felt movement, no movement, was tired, not tired enough ect ect, I was at the doctors. I was a nervous wreck and being non religious would often make pact's with god.
And then I got a call from home ...... My dad had fallen and was in a partial coma ... they didn't know if he would live or die. My parents live in Canada and I in Scotland ... my sisters wouldn't let me fly home due to the previous pregnancy. I talk about this as I believe through constant attempts at finding an answer to why I went through PND, that this is one theory (of which I have many ). I was on the phone few times a day looking for updates that no one could give me as we just had to wait and I had numerous phone calls with friends and family but finally he came through and was out of most danger but resulted in him being in hospital and having a brain injury.
Then, on the 21 August 2007, driving back from the local tesco.... I started having pains. I remember distinctly having a conversation with a friend and said " this labor stuff isn't that bad at all"... boy did I regret saying that! After a night of going into the bath, attempting to sleep, walk ect... I went into the hospital and was told "you aren't in labor but we will check you over but are busy so wait in the room until we call you".... when they did and I was examined, they saw that the baby was in distress and they decided to break my waters... I wasn't ready! too late, I was bundled in to a room with my husband and a nurse, who i remember changed the radio station from Radio 1 to some god awful station. It was at that point I had decided that I didn't like her and I'm sure that she was the one who said that I was making too much noise. So, my beautiful daughtewr was born later that day after a not so bad delivery.
I was taken upstairs to the room and was in complete awe of this beautiful little girl who didn't really make much noise at all. I was told to sleep when she slept but as a first time parent and being on cloud nine, I didn't want to take my eyes off of her. I tried breast feeding but it became difficult and when the nurses woke us up in the middle of the night to feed (another reason to explain things), I just couldn't get the hang of it. I was told point blank by a tobacco smelling nurse that if I didn't feed, we wouldn't get out of hospital. unfortunately, i couldn't do it and had to bottle feed my daughter. Now anyone in the West of Scotland would have had it drummed into them that breast is best and the guilt and shame of having to bottle feed my daughter, was very upsetting not to m mention when you dared to ask a nurse for a bottle and they were having a meeting ! It was like you had committed murder on the ward!
So as sleep deprivation set in and then being told that we had to stay another night because the wee one had jaundice, I think this is when I started crumbling.... The next day we were allowed to go home not having been told that the teets on the bottles in hospital are not sold anywhere or not even been given a bottle for when we got home, off we went for our new start at home with our beautiful new daughter.
When we got home, with no food, my husband went out and left me alone with this crying baby who was so hungry , to get food. I tried breast feeding but it didn't work possibly due to me being nervous and not having much milk, and possibly the little one being able to sense my fear. It was the longest few minutes of my life being alone with her. I didn't know what to do and as my mother was so far away and dealing with what was happening to my dad, I felt completely alone. I felt lonely, helpless and desperate. I just wanted MY mum... I felt like the child although I was 29 years of age! I felt ashamed and a failure and it got worse and worse before I hit rock bottom which was still to come....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)